Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based p 401s5t

  Do you ever feel like your parenting is completely off track from where you want it to be? You promise yourself you won't yell, then find yourself yelling at your kids before breakfast.   You intend to be patient and present, but end up getting distracted by your phone, or snapping at your child. This disconnect between your parenting intentions and reality can leave you feeling guilty, ashamed, and afraid that you're ing on intergenerational trauma despite your best efforts.   In this episode, we reveal the origins of our harsh inner critic and how cultural expectations set parents up for struggle. You'll discover practical reparenting techniques, step-by-step self-comion exercises, and how recognizing your emotional triggers can transform your parenting journey.   This isn't about perfect parenting - it's about healing your own childhood wounds through a process called reparenting, so you can break intergenerational patterns and build the connection with your child you've always wanted.   Questions This Episode Will AnswerHow can I identify and manage my emotional triggers in parenting? Emotional triggers often originate from unhealed childhood experiences. Notice when you have outsized reactions to your child's behavior—these point to areas needing healing. The episode offers a self-comion exercise to help you treat yourself with the same kindness that you treat others. Creating space between trigger and reaction allows you to respond intentionally rather than reactively.   How does my inner critic affect my ability to parent effectively? Your inner critic—which is often a voice of your parent/caregiver—triggers shame spirals that make it harder to parent effectively. It damages your relationship with yourself and teaches your children to develop their own harsh inner critics. Through reparenting, you can recognize this voice isn't truly yours, but one you absorbed from your environment. Learning to quiet this voice creates space for authentic connection with your child and breaks intergenerational trauma patterns.   What is reparenting and how can it help my relationship with my child? Reparenting is giving yourself what your parents couldn't provide during your childhood. It involves a five-step process: becoming aware of your patterns, accepting them without judgment, validating your childhood experiences, reframing your beliefs, and taking action to reinforce new patterns. When you heal your own emotional wounds through reparenting, you become more capable of meeting your child's needs without being triggered.   How do I break intergenerational trauma patterns in my parenting? Breaking intergenerational trauma starts with awareness of the patterns you inherited. Practice self-comion exercises when triggered rather than self-criticism. Use the reparenting process to heal your own childhood wounds. Find ive community to help you recognize when old patterns emerge. Each time you respond differently to your child than your parents did to you, you're disrupting the cycle of intergenerational trauma.   Can self-comion exercises really help when I'm triggered with my kids? Yes, self-comion exercises are powerful tools for managing parenting triggers. Dr. Susan Pollak's three-step self-comion exercise can create the mental space needed to respond differently: acknowledge the difficulty ("This is hard"), your common humanity ("Other parents struggle with this too"), and offer yourself kindness ("What do I need right now?"). Regular practice builds your capacity to access self-comion even in intense trigger moments.   What You'll Learn in This Episode How to identify your emotional triggers in parenting and their connection to intergenerational trauma A practical three-step self-comion exercise for managing triggered moments with your children The complete five-step reparenting process to heal your own childhood wounds How schema therapy concepts explain the origins of your parenting triggers Why intergenerational trauma persists and specific practices to break the cycle Step-by-step self-comion exercises you can practice daily to build emotional resilience How traditional parenting tools can unintentionally continue the cycle of intergenerational trauma Practical reparenting techniques to meet both your needs and your child's needs simultaneously FAQsHow do I know if I'm dealing with intergenerational trauma in my parenting? Signs of intergenerational trauma in parenting include having intense emotional reactions that feel disproportionate to the situation, finding yourself saying things your parents said to you despite promising yourself you wouldn't, or noticing patterns of behavior that resemble how you were parented. The good news is awareness is the first step in breaking these patterns, and reparenting techniques can help you heal.   What's the difference between reparenting and regular parenting skills? Reparenting focuses on healing your own childhood wounds by meeting needs that weren't met when you were young. Traditional parenting tools focus primarily on changing your child's behavior. Reparenting addresses the root causes of your emotional triggers, allowing you to show up more authentically with your child.   How do I practice self-comion when I think I've failed as a parent? Start with a simple self-comion exercise: put your hand on your heart, acknowledge the pain ("This feels really hard right now"), you're not alone ("Many parents struggle with this"), and offer yourself kindness ("I'm doing my best in a difficult situation"). Regular practice of self-comion exercises builds your capacity to extend comion to yourself even in moments of perceived failure.   Can I really change deep emotional triggers if they're connected to childhood trauma? Yes, you can change your response to emotional triggers through consistent reparenting practice and self-comion. The five-step reparenting process helps you recognize triggers, understand their origins in your own childhood, and develop new responses. This work takes time and often benefits from community , but thousands of parents have successfully reduced their triggering and broken intergenerational trauma patterns.   How do I start reparenting myself if I don't even know what I needed as a child? Begin by noticing when you're triggered with your child—these moments often reveal exactly what you needed and didn't receive. Pay attention to your emotional reactions and physical sensations when parenting feels hard. Try this self-comion exercise: when triggered, ask yourself, "What did I need in similar situations as a child?" Then imagine giving that very thing to your younger self. Community can also help you identify unmet childhood needs that may not be immediately obvious to you.   If you want help to break down the changes you want to make into tiny manageable steps and be held (gently!) able for taking them (or adjusting course if needed…), we’d love to have you the group of likeminded parents in the hip.   Get the information you need and the to actually implement it, all in what call “the least judgmental corner of the internet.”   Enrollment open until May 28th. Click the banner to learn more.   Other episodes mentioned: 122: Self-Comion for Parents 245: Does praise help or hurt your child? What research actually shows 233: Time Outs: Helpful or harmful? Here’s what the research says Jump to highlights: 00:54 Introduction of today’s episode 04:25 These difficult moments don't define you as a parent or prove you're doing something wrong. Parents everywhere, regardless of background, culture, or family structure, experience this same disconnect between who they want to be and how they actually respond when things get challenging 05:18 Self-comion can actually create some breathing room that we parent desperately need rather that continuing the pattern with shame and self-criticism. Self-comion allows us to hold our struggles with kindness and self-comion isn't just something to make us feel better about ourselves. We can actually think of it as a circuit breaker for our brain that allows us to respond differently next time 13:53 When your self-critical voice takes over and tells you to shape your child's behavior, you risk losing your connection with them. That's why things seem like they're off track, because if they were on track, you would feel close to each other 15:40 Three-step process that Dr. Pollak uses to access some self-comion in difficult moments 17:48 The deepest human need that we all share is to be truly seen and accepted for who we are, not for our achievements or for our good behavior, but for our whole authentic selves 22:39 One of the most powerful discoveries Jen have made in her parenting journey is that raising children gives us a huge opportunity to heal ourselves 23:46 Five main categories of schemas that affect how we see ourselves and others 26:40 Five-step process that we can use, that is drawn from schema therapy. 32:53 What Jenny experienced in the ACTion group and how it changes her parenting strategies 35:40 What advice Elyse would offer for a parent who has ed the hip and who hasn’t sure how to engage with all the resources available 38:07 Stephanie’s experiences in the ACTion group 41:20 An open invitation for Parenting hip 42:58 Wrapping up the discussion

  Are you tired of facing family challenges alone? In this powerful episode, we witness the transformative journey of two parents who discovered that ing a parenting group can change everything at home.   Parenting wasn't meant to be a solo journey. When sleep deprivation, communication struggles with partners, and children's big emotions become overwhelming family challenges, the right parenting group makes all the difference. This episode shows how connecting with a ive parenting community helped transform 45-minute tantrums into 10-minute conversations, restore sleep after years of exhaustion, and address family communication challenges in ways that parenting books alone never could.   Now, more than ever, we need each other. In this re-released episode from two years ago, you'll hear authentic stories that will inspire you to find your own parenting group and experience the profound changes that happen when parents help each other overcome family challenges.   Questions This Episode Will Answer How can I find a parenting group when I don't have family nearby? Distance from extended family doesn't mean you must face family challenges alone. This episode demonstrates how intentional parenting groups can provide even more targeted help than your actual family. You'll learn how to connect with parents who share your values and family challenges, not just parents who happen to live close to you. These parenting groups create meaningful connections that provide practical help, emotional , and ability.   How do I find a parenting group with who won't judge me? Finding non-judgmental parenting begins with seeking communities built on mutual understanding rather than competition. This episode shows how specialized parenting groups create safe spaces where you can share family challenges honestly - even showing up in tears or looking completely exhausted - without fear of judgment.   Can a parenting group really help with my child's emotional outbursts? Yes! When parents learn tools like radical listening through ive parenting groups, children's emotional regulation challenges improve dramatically. This episode demonstrates how one parent reduced tantrum duration from 45 minutes to just 10 minutes by applying techniques learned in her parenting group.   How do I balance everyone's needs when family challenges leave me exhausted? Meeting everyone's needs begins with recognizing your own. This episode reveals how a parenting group provides permission to prioritize self-care (especially sleep) as the foundation for better addressing your family challenges, including your children's and partner's needs.   Can a parenting group help with partner communication challenges? Absolutely. You'll hear how a parenting group helped identify and address difficult family communication patterns where one partner was agreeing to things they didn't want just to end discussions. Now the partners have an effective framework for honestly communicating about family challenges and needs.   What's more valuable for addressing family challenges - parenting courses or a parenting group? While quality parenting information matters, this episode reveals how the combination of both creates the most powerful approach to family challenges. You'll hear how structured parenting groups help you actually implement tools you learn, rather than just collecting more information about family challenges.   What You'll Learn in This Episode Practical ways to find and build your own parenting group How parenting groups transform sleep challenges through ability and permission for self-care The power of techniques learned in parenting groups to dramatically reduce children's emotional outbursts Methods for improving partner communication about parenting decisions and family challenges Why vulnerability in parenting groups creates stronger families How to move beyond parenting advice to create lasting transformation of family challenges What happens when parenting group invest in each other's success rather than competing The surprising ways parenting groups free up energy for better addressing family challenges Why small, intentional parenting groups create deeper change than large forums How to recognize when you need for family challenges and actually receive it effectively   Frequently Asked Questions What is a parenting group and why do I need one for family challenges? A parenting group is a community of other parents who provide emotional , practical advice, and ability for addressing family challenges. Unlike most online parenting forums, an intentional parenting group helps you implement tools consistently, validates your struggles with family challenges, and creates space for growth. Research shows parents with strong parenting networks experience less stress and make more consistent decisions when facing family challenges.   How can parenting groups help with sleep deprivation challenges? Parenting groups provide ability, permission for self-care, and practical tools for sleep challenges. When you share your sleep-related family challenges with ive parents, you're more likely to prioritize your rest needs, implement consistent routines, and identify strategies that work for your family's specific situation.   How do I find the right parenting group for my specific family challenges? Finding the right parenting group involves looking for communities aligned with your values, moderated by experienced facilitators, and structured for meaningful connection. Seek parenting groups where share family challenges openly without judgment, offer experience-based rather than just advice, and create consistent opportunities for deeper connection.   Can parenting groups really improve relationship challenges with my partner? Yes, quality parenting groups can transform partner relationships by identifying communication patterns, providing tools for expressing needs clearly, and creating frameworks for resolving parenting disagreements and family challenges.   What makes small parenting groups more effective than large online forums for family challenges? Small parenting groups create psychological safety through consistent hip, deeper relationships, and personalized for family challenges. Unlike large forums where advice comes from strangers, small parenting groups allow to understand each family's unique context, provide relevant suggestions for specific family challenges, and offer ability over time, leading to more sustained positive changes.   Can parenting groups help with the unique family challenges of raising a child with special needs? Specialized parenting groups are particularly valuable for parents facing the family challenges of raising children with special needs or unique situations. These parenting groups connect you with others confronting similar family challenges, provide specialized knowledge beyond general parenting advice, and offer understanding that may not be available in your geographic community.   If you want help to break down the changes you want to make into tiny manageable steps and be held (gently!) able for taking them (or adjusting course if needed…), we’d love to have you the group of likeminded parents in the hip.   Get the information you need and the to actually implement it, all in what call “the least judgmental corner of the internet.”   Click the image below to learn more about the Parenting hip.   Jump to highlights: 00:54 Introduction of today’s episode 03:23 Jenny and Emma came up with the idea to record an episode for the podcast to talk about how their parenting has changed over the last year 04:30 Emma wasn’t having major problems, but wanted to be prepared for the challenges that may happen down the road 05:23 Jenny was struggling because she hadn’t had a full night’s sleep in 4 ½ years…and now prioritizes herself through the of Emma and the of the ACTion group 08:50 Because Emma is a high achiever, she imagined parenthood to be a breeze 10:45 Jenny believed that if you are prepared and serene, and you bring this calm energy to your pregnancy, you will have an easy child 13:36 The lack of understanding of our values is what causes us to be conflicted about becoming parents 15:41 Our child’s big feelings are their way of letting us know that they are not okay. 20:10 It's great to have a community who we can trust, and who will and respect our values 22:40 The ACTion group conversation once a week gives parents a foundation to parent more intentionally 25:00 Emma used the problem-solving method to find a solution for her child's resistance during nail cutting by trying to hypothesize her child’s feelings. 29:37 Needs can be met when you remove the ‘shoulds.’ 31:12 Emma’s parenting has been a lot less tense over the past year and a half, which was a wonderful surprise 32:45 Jenny saw big changes when she used a deep listening technique with her son during an episode of intense anger and frustration 35:03 Talking about how Parenting hip change Jenny’s life 46:40 It's life-changing to see a profound change in our children and ourselves when both of our needs are fulfilled

  Most parents believe praise is an essential tool for raising confident, well-behaved children. We've been told to "catch them being good" and "focus on the positive." But what if our well-intentioned praise is actually functioning as a subtle form of control? What if praise isn't just celebrating who our children are, but secretly shaping them into who we—or society—want them to become?   In this episode, we'll examine how praise affects children's self-concept, motivation, and behavior. We'll explore research on praise's effects, reflect on our own experiences with praise growing up, and draw on philosophical ideas to understand praise as a tool of power that teaches children to internalize social norms and regulate their own behavior. We'll also learn new tools to create more authentic relationships with our children and helping them develop true autonomy.   Click here to the list of 55 Ways to , Encourage, and Celebrate Your Child Without Praise   Questions This Episode Will Answer Is praise harmful to children? Praise can function as a form of control, establishing a conditional relationship where your approval depends on your child's actions. The underlying message becomes: "I'm excited about you when you do what I want." This contradicts what children need to flourish: unconditional love and acceptance for who they are, not what they do.   What's the difference between praise and appreciation? Praise is evaluative language that judges a person's actions or character as "good" or "bad." Appreciation focuses on the impact someone's actions had on you personally. For example, instead of "good job setting the table," try "Thank you for setting the table—I really appreciate not having to do it myself."   Does praise help motivate children? Research on praise's effects is mixed. Some studies suggest rewards undermine intrinsic motivation, while others indicate they can help establish habits. The more important question isn't whether praise works to change behavior in the short term, but what it teaches children about themselves and their worth in the long term.   How does praise affect a child's development? Praise can create dependency on external validation. Many adults who received substantial praise as children become reluctant to attempt things they aren't already good at for fear of not receiving praise or worse, receiving criticism. This is often where perfectionism emerges—not from high standards but from fear that without perfection, they won't be valued or loved.   What You'll Learn in This Episode You'll discover what praise actually is and recognize when you might be praising your child without realizing it. Praise includes evaluative language like "good job," "you're so smart," or "I'm proud of you," and is typically given with the intention of encouraging children to repeat behaviors.   You'll explore how praise functions as more than just emotional encouragement—it operates as a form of social control. When we praise children for certain behaviors, we're teaching them what society values and expects, defining what's "normal" and desirable.   You'll understand how children internalize our surveillance through praise. They begin monitoring themselves according to external standards rather than developing their own internal value system.   You'll learn practical alternatives to praise, including genuine appreciation that acknowledges specific actions and their impact, curiosity about your child's experiences and perspectives, and connection based on truly seeing your child rather than evaluating their behavior or person.   Frequently Asked Questions Will my child still behave well if I stop praising them? When we relinquish our role as judges and evaluators of our children's worth, we free them to become their authentic selves. Moving beyond praise creates space for genuine connection based on understanding needs and discovering creative approaches to meeting both your needs and your child's needs.   What can I say instead of "good job"? Instead of evaluative praise, you can describe what you observe ("You gave Mario half the cookie, and now he's smiling!"), ask thoughtful questions about what aspects of their project they found most satisfying, or express genuine appreciation for how their actions affected you.   How do I know if I'm praising or appreciating my child? Appreciation focuses on the effect your child's action had on you rather than evaluating their character. Avoid labels like "You're so thoughtful" and instead express how their action made you feel or helped you.   Do children need praise to feel loved? Children need to experience unconditional love and acceptance for who they are, not what they do. They need to know you're excited about them regardless of their performance or behavior.   Other episodes mentioned: 042: How to Teach a Child to Use Manners 159: ing Girls’ Relationships with Dr. Marnina Gonick 050: How to Raise Emotionally Healthy Boys 161: New Masculinities for Older Boys with Dr. Michael Kehler & Caroline Brunet 075: Should we Go Ahead and Heap Rewards On Our Kid? 233: Time Outs: Helpful or harmful? Here’s what the research says   Jump to highlights 00:46 Introduction of today’s episode 03:28 Definition of praise 05:47 When we use praise as a tool to make our children repeat behaviors we want, we're still trying to control them, just with a nicer voice and smile. We've changed our approach but not our fundamental goal of managing their actions 11:58 Just because you get what you need from an interaction doesn't mean the other person feels equally satisfied 15:12 Our dependency on external validation affects our parenting and risks creating the same dependency in our children through praise 24:48 When we look beyond whether praise gets children to complete chores or affects their motivation, we discover how it fundamentally shapes their relationship with authority and their sense of autonomy. Philosopher Michel Foucault's concept of "normalizing judgment" shows that praise functions as more than just encouragement. It establishes power dynamics between parents and children 27:58 Self-determination theory, which helps us to see on a step-by-step basis, how we develop motivation to do specific tasks 32:00 Current parenting advice favors specific over generic praise. This approach is used as positive reinforcement to encourage children to repeat the praised behavior 34:50 Belgian researchers Bart Coenen and Martin Vansteenkiste identified four adolescent response patterns to perceived , including rule enforcement, punishments, and conditional rewards or praise 43:45 Researchers concluded that toddler defiance often reflects healthy autonomy and independence, not poor parenting, while ignoring parents is linked more to children of depressed, less responsive mothers 49:09 Behaviorists view praise as reinforcement encouraging repeated behavior, but McHugh argues it’s more; it reflects authority, shaping which behaviors and qualities are deemed worthy of recognition in children 01:00:27 Wrapping up the discussion

  Is your child's refusal to listen driving you CRAZY? You're not alone! In this transformative episode, mom-of-three Chrystal reveals how she went from constant power struggles to peaceful cooperation without sacrificing authority. Discover the exact approach that works when "because I said so" fails. Stop the exhausting battles TODAY and create the respectful relationship you've always wanted with your child.   Questions This Episode Will Answer: Why won't my child listen to me? Children resist when their needs aren't being met. Understanding what's beneath the "not listening" transforms power struggles into opportunities for connection and cooperation.   How do I get my child to listen without threatening or bribing? Focus on identifying both your needs and your child's needs, then problem-solve together to find solutions that work for everyone. This creates willing cooperation rather than reluctant compliance.   Will my child ever listen the first time I ask? Yes! When children know that you'll try to meet their needs as well as your own, they become MUCH more willing to collaborate with you. The path to first-time listening isn't through control but through connection.   Am I creating an entitled child by not demanding immediate compliance? Actually, the opposite is true. Children raised with respectful problem-solving develop stronger empathy, better boundary recognition, and more social skills than those raised with strict obedience requirements.   How do I handle emergencies when I need immediate compliance? Create a foundation of trust by respecting autonomy in non-emergency situations. When true emergencies arise, children who trust you will respond to your urgency because they know you don't overuse your authority.   What You'll Learn In This Episode: The powerful shift from control-based parenting to needs-based problem-solving Why resistance is a signal that needs attention, not defiance that needs punishment How to identify your real non-negotiables versus situations where flexibility serves everyone Practical examples of problem-solving conversations that create willing cooperation The critical difference between limits (changing someone's behavior) and boundaries (what you're willing to do) How to teach children about healthy boundaries by respecting theirs Why "stop means stop" and "no means no" are essential teachings (and how to get your child to respect your 'stop' and 'no') How to recognize when you're getting triggered by your child's "not listening" The surprising truth about how respectful parenting creates more socially capable children Why one intentional parent can make all the difference, even without perfect partner alignment   If you're thinking "but my child NEEDS to learn to listen," this episode directly addresses how this approach creates MORE compliance in situations that truly matter.   Ready to transform your daily battles into peaceful cooperation? I'd love to help you take the next step in our FREE Setting Loving and Effective Limits workshop.   This is your last chance to for free this year, and get my as well. We start on Wednesday May 7!   Click the image below to sign up - we start on Wednesday!     Jump to highlights 00:45 Introduction of today’s episode 02:00 An open invitation to the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop 06:12 Chrystal’s experience in the Setting Loving (&Effective!) Limits workshop 07:46 Saying NO to our child isn’t necessarily the right answer 08:48 Challenges that Chrystal had as someone who was brought up in a religious family 11:44 How resilience will play a big role in our children 13:10 Chrystal’s transition from being controlled to having freedom and autonomy 13:50 As a result of having a strong-willed child, Chrystal experiences a lot pushback and challenges 17:01 When to set limits and boundaries to our children 19:18 Ways to navigate our younger child when we need to take a pause in a situation 21:42 The difference between setting limits and boundaries 23:00 The importance of respectful parenting 24:20 Using body cues instead of saying NO 26:31 Introduction to Problem Solving Conversation: Nonjudgmental Observation 32:52 Our children's resistance creates a "US and THEM" scenario 39:54 The lessons that Chrystal learned from the book called Siblings Without Rivalry. 43:48 White presenting child plays a big role in changing the systems 46:02 Wrapping up the discussion  

  Is gentle parenting just permissive parenting in disguise? This episode reveals a powerful framework for meeting both your needs and your child's, creating cooperation without sacrificing connection.   Is gentle parenting the same as permissive parenting? No, gentle parenting is not the same as permissive parenting. Gentle parenting focuses on meeting both the child's and the parent's needs with respect and empathy. Permissive parenting prioritizes the child's desires without setting appropriate boundaries or considering the parent's needs. Parents can be gentle without being permissive by understanding and meeting their own needs, as well as their child's needs.   Why don't logical consequences and offering limited choices always work? Logical consequences and offering limited choices don't always work because they are often strategies to control a child's behavior rather than addressing the underlying needs driving that behavior. When a child is acting out, they may be seeking connection, autonomy, or have other unmet needs. Logical consequences and choices don't meet these needs, so the behavior continues.   How can I set effective limits without sliding into permissiveness? To set effective limits without becoming permissive, understand that your needs matter just as much as your child's. Identify the underlying need you're currently trying to meet with a limit, and identify strategies that honor both your needs and your child's. This prevents you from prioritizing the child's desires while neglecting your own needs, which is characteristic of permissive parenting.   What's the difference between a natural consequence and a logical consequence? A natural consequence is what naturally occurs as a result of an action such as touching a hot stove and getting burned. A logical consequence is an action that a parent takes as a result of an action, such as taking away screen time because a child didn't do what they were told.   How can I meet both my needs and my child's needs in challenging situations? Meeting both your needs and your child's needs starts with identifying the underlying needs driving the behavior in challenging situations. If a child is stalling at bedtime, they may need connection. A parent can meet this need by spending time with the child before bed, reading an extra book, or engaging in a quiet activity together. This could the child's need for connection, while also meeting the parent's need for the child to go to bed at a reasonable time.   What's the underlying cause of my child's resistance to everyday routines? The underlying cause of a child's resistance to everyday routines is often an unmet need. For example, resistance to putting on shoes may stem from a need for autonomy (if the child wants to do it themselves), or connection (if they want you to do it for them). By recognizing the need, you can find ways to involve the child in the process, such as letting them choose which shoes to wear, giving them a sense of control and making the routine more cooperative.   Is there an alternative to the four traditional parenting styles? Yes, there are alternatives to the four traditional parenting styles (neglectful, authoritarian, permissive, and authoritative). Dr. Diana Baumrind, who created the styles, also found a 'harmonious' method where parents consider the child's ideas as just as important as their own, which sounds a lot like Gentle Parenting - but she decided not to research it further!   What you'll learn in this episode In this episode, we challenge the common misconception that gentle, respectful parenting is the same as permissive parenting.   You'll learn why traditional parenting tools like logical consequences and offering limited choices often don't work in the long run. Logical consequences are essentially punishments that don't address the underlying needs causing resistance, while offering limited choices doesn't truly respect a child's autonomy.   The episode introduces a powerful alternative framework focused on understanding both your needs and your child's needs. You'll see how identifying these needs opens up multiple strategies for cooperation without power struggles. Through real examples like Cori's story with her toddler who resisted toothbrushing for a year, you'll witness how this approach can transform seemingly impossible situations.   We critique the traditional four parenting styles, explaining how they were originally developed as models of rather than approaches to building healthy relationships. We introduce a version of gentle parenting that considers children's needs as equally important as parents' needs - not more, and not less.   You'll gain practical language tools for setting clear boundaries and fostering genuine autonomy. These simple phrases can dramatically shift your interactions from struggle to cooperation.   By the end of this episode, you'll understand how to set necessary limits while still respecting your child's autonomy and building connection. You'll see that it's possible to parent effectively without resorting to power-over approaches - or becoming permissive.   FAQs What's the difference between gentle parenting and permissive parenting? Gentle parenting focuses on treating children with respect and understanding the needs behind behaviors, while still maintaining appropriate boundaries. Permissive parenting, on the other hand, prioritizes the child's needs over the parent's needs, allowing children to "walk all over" parents. The key distinction is that this version of gentle parenting acknowledges that both the parent's and child's needs matter equally.   Why do logical consequences feel uncomfortable to use? Logical consequences often feel uncomfortable because they're essentially punishments dressed up in friendly-sounding language. They attempt to control children's behavior rather than addressing the underlying needs causing resistance. When we implement logical consequences, we're using our power over our children in ways we wouldn't consider acceptable in adult relationships.   My child resists everyday routines like toothbrushing and getting dressed. What's really going on? Resistance often signals unmet needs. For example, a child who stalls at bedtime may have an unmet need for connection with you. A child who refuses to get dressed might be seeking autonomy (if they want to do it themselves) or connection (if they want your help). Instead of focusing on changing the behavior, try to identify and address the underlying need. Sometimes meeting needs in one area (like autonomy) can reduce resistance in seemingly unrelated areas.   What can I say instead of "I can't" when setting boundaries with my child? Using "I am not willing to..." instead of "I can't..." acknowledges that you're making a choice based on your needs rather than suggesting you have no choice. For example, instead of saying "I can't play now, I have to cook dinner," try "I'm not willing to play right now because I need to prepare our meal." This language models honest boundary-setting and acknowledges that you're prioritizing certain needs over others in that moment.   How can I encourage cooperation without resorting to limited choices or consequences? Start by asking "Are you willing to...?" which acknowledges your child's autonomy. Ensure this is a genuine choice they can say no to. When resistance occurs, get curious about the underlying needs rather than insisting on compliance. Find creative solutions that meet both your needs, like washing hands with a cloth at the table rather than insisting they go to the sink, or inviting them to help with dinner preparation if they're seeking connection.   What if my child seems to have an insatiable need for connection? Some children do have stronger needs for connection than others. Check in with yourself to see if you're able to meet their need without sacrificing your own needs. When you notice feelings of frustration, anger, or resentment arising, these are signals that it's time to set a boundary. Using "I'm not willing to..." language helps you honor both your needs and teaches your child that setting boundaries is a healthy part of relationships.   How is this approach different from the traditional parenting styles? The four traditional parenting styles (authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, and neglectful) were originally described by Dr. Diana Baumrind as "models of " rather than approaches to building healthy relationships. They focus on controlling children's behavior rather than meeting everyone's needs. Interestingly, Baumrind actually identified a fifth approach she called "harmonious" parenting, which resembles the needs-based approach discussed in this episode, but didn't pursue researching it further.   How can I tell if I'm being permissive? You're being permissive when you consistently prioritize your child's needs over your own. If you notice feelings of resentment building up or find yourself thinking "they always get their way," these are clues that you might be sliding into permissiveness. The alternative isn't strict control but rather ensuring that both your needs and your child's needs are acknowledged and addressed.   And if you want my complete framework for how to navigate misbehavior, with ALL FIVE of the tools we can use and guidelines on exactly WHEN to use each of them, sign up for the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop.   It’s available in two different forms: Mid-May to Mid-March each year: Take the course at your own pace Mid-March to Mid-May each year: Sign up and take the course with my in early May!   Click the banner to learn more.        

  "How can we get on the same page about discipline?" is one of the most common questions parents face. Before having kids, most couples never realize how different family backgrounds, experiences, and parenting beliefs will collide into seemingly unbridgeable differences. This episode explores practical tools to navigate these differences, from de-escalating tense moments to having productive conversations that honor both parents' needs while creating consistency for your children.   Questions this episode will answer Why do my partner and I have such different approaches to discipline? Your differing approaches likely stem from your own childhood experiences, family values, and what you're trying to "fix" from your upbringing. You might also have different core needs you're trying to meet — one parent might prioritize structure and predictability while another focuses on emotional connection. Understanding these differences is key to finding common ground rather than seeing your partner as "wrong."   How do I handle it when my partner disciplines our child in a way I don't agree with? When your partner uses a disciplinary approach you disagree with, jumping in to defend the kids often escalates the situation. Instead, try a de-escalation approach: help everyone regulate with your calm presence, validate each person's feelings, and offer a simple solution that gives everyone an out while preserving dignity. Save deeper discussions for later when kids aren't present.   How can I talk to my partner about discipline without starting a fight? Approach conversations without judgment by framing the discussion around shared goals ("Can we talk about what we want to do when the kids don't listen?") rather than criticizing their approach ("You're too harsh with the kids"). The episode offers 10 indirect questions to help you understand the origins of your partner's beliefs about discipline.   What if my partner thinks gentle parenting "doesn't work"? If your partner is using your imperfect moments as "evidence" that your approach doesn't work, start with self-comion. We look at how to use tools like The Process to explore your different ideas and find ways to move forward together.   How can we create a consistent approach that respects both our parenting styles? Start by understanding what's driving each of your approaches rather than just focusing on behaviors. When you identify the underlying needs you're both trying to meet—whether it's creating structure, ensuring emotional connection, or teaching responsibility—you'll often find common ground. The episode provides indirect questions you can use to understand how your childhood experiences have shaped your parenting values. Then you can work together to determine what success looks like for both of you, examine what actually happens with different approaches, and create hybrid solutions that honor each person's core values while giving your children the consistency they need.   What you'll learn in this episode How to use self-comion when parenting differences arise Self-comion is essential when navigating differences in discipline approaches with your partner. Dr. Kristin Neff's research shows self-comion includes self-kindness versus self-judgment, common humanity versus isolation, and mindfulness versus over-identification. Practice treating yourself with the same kindness you'd offer a friend when you make mistakes or struggle to align with your partner.   The de-escalation approach for heated discipline moments Instead of undermining your partner in the moment, learn to de-escalate by helping everyone regulate, validating all feelings without taking sides, and offering simple solutions that preserve dignity. This approach prevents your child from triangulating between parents or one parent becoming the "rescuer" while the other is the "bad guy."   How to have non-judgmental conversations about discipline Traditional is given by one person to another, but in parenting you'll be more on the same page when you learn collaboratively. This approach helps avoid criticism, which often triggers the Four Horsemen of relationship conflict: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.   Understanding the validation ladder for better communication Learn the steps of Dr. Caroline Fleck's Validation Ladder to help you deeply understand your partner's concerns. Validation shows "you're there, you get it, and you care" — essential for helping your partner to feel seen and understood before tackling differences.   How to identify and address the needs behind discipline styles Your partner's preference for certain discipline strategies is their best attempt to meet their needs. Learn to identify needs like competence, ease, respect, order, peace, connection, and recognition. Understanding these needs transforms how you view disagreements — what looks like being "too harsh" might be meeting a need for competence, while being "too soft" might be meeting a need for connection.   FAQs How do I stop the good cop/bad cop dynamic with my partner? Break the good cop/bad cop pattern by identifying the underlying needs driving each approach. When you understand these, you can create an approach to dealing with your child's behavior that's more likely to meet both of your needs. Have regular check-ins about what's working and what needs adjustment, away from the children.   What should I do when my partner yells at our kids? In the moment, focus on de-escalation rather than confrontation. Move closer to provide a calming presence, acknowledge everyone's feelings without blame ("I can see we're having a hard time"), and offer a simple solution that gives everyone an out. Save the deeper conversation for later when you're both calm and the kids aren't present. When you do talk, focus on understanding what triggered the reaction rather than criticizing.   Why does my partner parent so differently than I do? Parenting approaches are deeply influenced by our own childhood experiences, cultural backgrounds, and personal values. Your partner's discipline style likely reflects their attempt to either replicate what worked in their family or correct what didn't. Understanding these origins through curious, non-judgmental conversations can help you see their approach as making sense given their history, even if you disagree with it.   How can I get my partner to be more consistent with discipline? Instead of focusing on changing your partner, work together to identify shared parenting goals and values. Use the Process described in the episode to learn together rather than one person critiquing the other. Determine success criteria together, look at what actually happens when different approaches are used, and construct new understanding about what would work better for your family.   What if my partner disagrees with my parenting approach completely? In the Parenting hip, we learn communication strategies based in the Gottman Method to address challenges with our partners. When we understand the deep needs behind our partner's approach to discipline (and they understand ours too), we can usually find a path forward that comes much closer to meeting both of our needs. You'll see couples arguing much like you and your partner argue now, and then quickly learning new tools that help you to talk about issues you disagree on without either of you getting triggered. And we'll give you a preview of those tools in the Full Experience of the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop!   It’s available in two different forms: Mid-May to Mid-March each year: Take the course at your own pace Mid-March to Mid-May each year: Sign up and take the course with my in early May!   Click the banner to learn more.     Jump to highlights 01:21 Introduction of today’s episode 04:55 Self-comion researcher Dr. Kristin Neff identifies three components: self-kindness versus self-judgment, common humanity versus isolation, and mindfulness versus over-identification. When struggling with parenting differences, we need all three elements. Instead of harsh self-criticism about parenting conflicts, pause and offer yourself the same kindness you'd give a friend in your situation 08:12 Validation simply acknowledges the legitimate feelings underneath because we all want to be understood by others 12:20 Joellen explains that the process is a process of learning where a learner constructs their own understanding of the information to be able to make it their own 15:55 10 Questions that parents might consider asking to their partner to help get a better understanding of how each parent think of these issues about parenting 18:15 Dr. Fleck identifies validation as crucial for authentic relationships, allowing us to feel seen and loved for who we are. Without validation, others aren't relating to our true selves. This connects to Joellen Killion's process, where participants must understand each other's wants, listen to different perspectives, and find common ground. The goal is mutual respect where neither person claims expertise, but both voices are valued 20:30 Four horsemen of the apocalypse are: criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling 25:30 The beauty of identifying needs is that while strategies for meeting needs can conflict like a strict consequence system versus a more collaborative approach, the underlying needs rarely do 27:45 Introducing Setting Loving (&effective!) Limits Workshop 33:02 When criticism defines a relationship, facing more criticism feels overwhelming. Retreating into silence and handling things separately seems easier than risking additional pain 34:31 A little introduction on Parenting hip 47:04 When discussing parenting disagreements constructively, you can explore values without damaging your relationship, instead actually strengthening your connection without emotional tailspins 50:02 Setting Loving (&effective!) Limits Workshop and Parenting hip information   References Lumanlan, J. (2020, October 18). Episode 122: Self-Comion for Parents.  Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/selfcomion/ Lumanlan, J. (2024, April 14). Episode 209: How to get on the same page as your parenting partner.  Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/parentingpartners/ Lumanlan, J. (2025, March 23). Episode 241: Validating children's feelings: Why it's important, and how to do it with Dr. Caroline Fleck.  Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/validation-dr-caroline-fleck/ Lumanlan, J. (2025, April 13). Episode 242: The secret to having conversations your family will actually hear.  Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/-family-will-hear/  

  Have you ever shared an observation with your partner or child, only to watch them immediately become defensive or shut down? You meant well, but somehow your words landed as criticism instead of the helpful insight you intended.   In this episode, we explore The Process framework with Joellen Killion, examining how we can transform our family communications. When we participate in the process effectively, we create conversations that family can actually hear—conversations that lead to lasting positive change rather than defensiveness and resistance.   Questions this episode will answer Why do our attempts to share observations with family often lead to defensiveness? What's the difference between criticism and participating in the process? How can we frame our observations so they're received as helpful rather than hurtful? What specific language patterns help family stay open to what we're sharing? How can we create conversations that strengthen relationships instead of damaging them? How does shifting from "waiting to respond" to "truly listening" transform the entire dynamic? How can we teach children to participate in the process constructively?   What you'll learn in this episode The key components of The Process framework and how they transform family communications Practical techniques to share observations without triggering defensiveness in your partner or children Specific language patterns that help recipients stay open to what you're sharing How to recognize when isn't being received and what to do about it The crucial difference between criticism and constructive Ways to create a family culture where strengthens relationships rather than damaging them How participating in the process builds emotional intelligence in children Practical examples of transforming common family conflicts through effective conversations   This episode provides practical tools to break cycles of criticism and defensiveness, creating space for authentic communication that leads to positive change in your family relationships.   Joellen Killion's book The Process ( link)   Other episodes mentioned 212: How to make the sustainable change you want to see in your family 209: How to get on the same page as your parenting partner 102: From confusion and conflict to confident parenting   Jump to highlights 00:57 Introduction of today’s guest 04:17 Key distinction between the traditional that we usually practice and the process 09:50 When we encourage our partners, children, and siblings to express their views and desires, we acknowledge that we don't have authority over them. True connection comes from understanding what others want, sharing our perspective, and finding mutual agreement. 14:55 When parents define success differently, navigate this by exploring each other's underlying values without judgment, sharing your perspective, finding common ground, and experimenting with compromises that honor both viewpoints while meeting your child's needs. 20:52 Create space for productive dialogue by focusing on the agreement versus the action, and inviting reflection rather than demanding explanations, you maintain connection while addressing inconsistency. This helps parents recommit to thoughtfully revise agreements when needed. 27:48 The typology and how do we know what type of to use in any given situation 32:48 Examples of what the process looks like in the regulate middle stage, and the metacognitive reflect stage 35:19 What does reflecting and metacognition look with a child and with a parenting partner? 38:56 The stages of the process 40:11 Situations given by Joellen in which we can determine if it is construction knowledge and deconstruction knowledge 49:26 Success comes from finding middle ground that allows for consistent parenting. We can examine specific situations where we approached our child's emotions differently, analyzing how each of us felt, how our child reacted, and the ultimate outcomes. From this analysis, we can construct an ideal approach that incorporates both perspectives. 55:55 The first question to process is what do you want to learn about the topic because it shows a small indication of motivation, openness, and willingness to learn 57:46 The difference between giving and receiving and engaging in the process or a learning process 59:10 Wrapping up the discussion   References Bing-You, R. G., & Trowbridge, R. L. (2009). Why medical educators may be failing at . Jama, 302(12), 1330-1331. Black, P., & Wiliam, D. (1998). Assessment and classroom learning. Assessment in Education: principles, policy & practice, 5(1), 7-74. Bok, H. G., Teunissen, P. W., Spruijt, A., Fokkema, J. P., van Beukelen, P., Jaarsma, D. A., & van der Vleuten, C. P. (2013). Clarifying students’ ‐seeking behaviour in clinical clerkships. Medical education, 47(3), 282-291. Butler, D. L., & Winne, P. H. (1995). and self-regulated learning: A theoretical synthesis. Review of educational research, 65(3), 245-281. Hattie, J., & Timperley, H. (2007). The power of . Review of educational research, 77(1), 81-112. Kluger, A. N., & DeNisi, A. (1996). The effects of interventions on performance: a historical review, a meta-analysis, and a preliminary intervention theory. Psychological bulletin, 119(2), 254.  

  What exactly is validation? Dr. Fleck defines it as communication that demonstrates you are mindful, understand, and empathize with another person's experience, thereby accepting it as valid.   In this illuminating conversation with Dr. Caroline Fleck, author the book Validation, we explore the powerful concept of validation and how it can transform your relationship with your child. Dr. Fleck is a licensed psychologist, corporate consultant, and Adjunct Clinical Instructor at Stanford University.   After the conversation with Dr. Fleck, I provide my own perspective on the third part of her book. While I found the first two parts on validation techniques extremely valuable and immediately applicable, I share some concerns ing validation as a tool for changing children's behavior. I explore the ethical considerations of consent-based relationships with children and offer an alternative approach focused on understanding needs rather than modifying behavior. The conversation gives you an overview of the very useful validation framework, while the conclusion honors my commitment to respectful, needs-based parenting approaches that maintain children's autonomy and inner experience.   Questions this episode will answer How do I validate my child's feelings when they're having a meltdown? Does validating my child's emotions make tantrums worse or last longer? What should I say when my child is upset about something that seems trivial? How can I tell the difference between validating feelings versus validating bad behavior? What are the most effective words to use when validating my child's emotions? How does validation help my child develop emotional regulation skills? What happens if I've been unintentionally invalidating my child's feelings? Is it possible to validate feelings while still setting necessary boundaries? What simple validation techniques can I start using today with my child?   What you'll learn in this episode Simple, practical phrases to validate your child's feelings during difficult moments How to respond when your child is upset about something that seems small (like a broken cracker) The step-by-step validation ladder you can use with children of all ages Why saying "You're OK!" actually makes tantrums worse and what to say instead How validation helps your child develop emotional regulation skills faster Easy mindfulness techniques to stay calm when your child is emotional Specific examples of validation for common parenting challenges How to validate feelings while still maintaining important boundaries Ways to repair your relationship if you've been unintentionally invalidating The connection between childhood validation and long-term mental health   Whether you're dealing with tantrums, big emotions, difficult conversations, or just want to build a stronger connection with your child, the validation techniques shared in this episode provide a foundation for healthier relationships and emotional well-being.   Dr. Fleck’s book Validation: how the skill set that revolutionized psychology will transform your relationships, increase your influence, and change your life ( link)   Jump to highlights 00:57 Introducing today’s episode and guest speaker 04:06 Definition of validation by Dr. Caroline Fleck 04:38 Importance of validation in our relationships 08:27 The idea that facts are debatable, you have fundamentally uprooted the basis for determining validity 14:44 How does validating other people helps us? 16:48 The role of validating our kid’s feelings in some kinds of situations 20:07 Gender differences in of ability to validate and willingness to learn about validating 23:48 Invalidation is one of the single greatest contributors to mental health problems that we often know 27:02 It is possible to develop a self-validation wherein you progress the skills to validate yourself 28:38 The validation ladder has eight skills that map to one or more of those qualities 31:57 How does Dr. Fleck relate “attending” into one of the mindfulness skills 33:56 The other important qualities to attending in non-verbal which is a very critical way of communicating 36:02 Copying is also one of the two important skills that are located at the bottom of the validation ladder 46:23 Equalizing is the idea that anyone in your shoes would always do the same thing 47:48 Proposing is sharing an idea about what you think the other person is thinking or feeling based I what they’ve said in the conversation 54:34 Validating the other person’s worth by demonstrating that you put their experience by sharing 56:09 Dr. Caroline Fleck summarizes the discussion 58:44 Jen’s thought about the third part that focuses on behavioral change and why she took a different approach 01:02:09 DBT is a behaviorist-based approach which serves an important purpose in clinical settings where adults have specifically sought help for behaviors that are causing them distress. 01:08:58 Wrapping up the discussion   References Adrian, M., Berk, M. S., Korslund, K., Whitlock, K., McCauley, E., & Linehan, M. (2018). Parental validation and invalidation predict adolescent self-harm. Professional psychology: research and practice, 49(4), 274. Greville-Harris, M., Hempel, R., Karl, A., Dieppe, P., & Lynch, T. R. (2016). The power of invalidating communication: Receiving invalidating predicts threat-related emotional, physiological, and social responses. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 35(6), 471-493. Haas, A. P., Eliason, M., Mays, V. M., Mathy, R. M., Cochran, S. D., D'Augelli, A. R., ... & Clayton, P. J. (2010). Suicide and suicide risk in lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender populations: Review and recommendations. Journal of homosexuality, 58(1), 10-51. Holopainen, R., Lausmaa, M., Edlund, S., Carstens-Söderstrand, J., Karppinen, J., O’Sullivan, P., & Linton, S. J. (2023). Physiotherapists’ validating and invalidating communication before and after participating in brief cognitive functional therapy training. Test of concept study. European Journal of Physiotherapy, 25(2), 73-79. Krause, E. D., Mendelson, T., & Lynch, T. R. (2003). Childhood emotional invalidation and adult psychological distress: The mediating role of emotional inhibition. Child abuse & neglect, 27(2), 199-213. Linton, S. J., Flink, I. K., Nilsson, E., & Edlund, S. (2017). Can training in empathetic validation improve medical students' communication with patients suffering pain? A test of concept. Pain reports, 2(3), e600. Martin, C. G., Kim, H. K., & Freyd, J. J. (2018). In the spirit of full disclosure: Maternal distress, emotion validation, and adolescent disclosure of distressing experiences. Emotion, 18(3), 400. Ruan, Y., Reis, H. T., Clark, M. S., Hirsch, J. L., & Bink, B. D. (2020). Can I tell you how I feel? Perceived partner responsiveness encourages emotional expression. Emotion, 20(3), 329. Shenk, C. E., & Fruzzetti, A. E. (2011). The impact of validating and invalidating responses on emotional reactivity. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 30(2), 163-183.

Challenge conventional wisdom about "tough love" with evidence-based approaches that prioritize connection over compliance and control. In this episode, we explore how to prepare children for the real world without sacrificing their authentic selves. Drawing on research about food habits, screen time, social expectations, and discipline approaches, this discussion offers balanced strategies that prioritize connection over control. You'll learn how to guide children through external pressures while helping them develop critical thinking skills and maintaining their inherent wisdom. Questions this episode will answer How can I help my child navigate a world of hyper-palatable foods without creating unhealthy food relationships? What's the evidence about screen time and video games, and how can I approach them constructively? How do social systems pressure children to conform to limiting gender roles and expectations? Is traditional discipline truly preparing children for the "real world," or is there a better approach? How can I honor my child's authentic self while still giving them tools to succeed? What you'll learn in this episode The truth about BMI measurements and research on body size that contradicts common assumptions How the Division of Responsibility model can transform mealtime struggles Why video games don't increase violence and may offer surprising benefits Practical ways to help children develop critical thinking about media messages How to identify the unmet needs behind challenging behavior The concept of "traumatic invalidation" and its impact on children's development Step-by-step approaches to build children's self-regulation around screen time How to create meaningful conversations about problematic messages in children's books Ways to validate children while preparing them for life's challenges This episode offers a thoughtful examination of the tensions between societal pressures and children's innate wisdom, providing practical guidance for parents navigating these complex territories. Rather than offering quick fixes, we focus on building connection as the foundation for helping children develop resilience and discernment.   Other episodes mentioned 007: Help! My toddler won’t eat vegetables 140: Mythbusting about fat and BMI with Dr. Lindo Bacon 142: Division of Responsibility with Ellyn Satter 218: What children learn from video games 106: Patriarchy is perpetuated through parenting (Part 1) 050: How to raise emotionally healthy boys 083: White privilege in parenting: What it is & what to do about it 238: Feeling exhausted and overwhelmed? Tools to help you cope 111: Parental Burnout 233: Time Outs: Helpful or harmful? Here’s what the research says   Jump to highlights 00:56 Introducing today’s episode 02:29 All kinds of cultural implications may be involved in what our children consume 04:35 Mealtimes can be stressful for children who likes to consume bread rather than to eat healthy foods like vegetables 07:12 Explaining what is a bliss point of a product 10:41 Things that help parents to navigate a world of hyper-palatable foods without creating unhealthy food relationship 15:07 Video games often reflect our broader societal values 16:35 Ways on how to help your child develop a healthy relationship with screens while preparing them for the digital world that they will inhabit 22:57 When a video game portrays a male character as warrior and a female character as healer, it often gives the same division of human qualities that pressure boys and girls 24:10 Choosing where the families live will significantly shape what children learn about social structures 26:19 Steps on how parents prepare our children for the reality while helping them develop into individuals 33:09 What is time-out teaching our children about relationship and their place in the world 42:12 How parent’s experiences shape our children to fit in the society 51:05 Acceptance of our own circumstances in dealing with our own child can be helpful at times 58:07 Wrapping up the discussion   References Linehan, M.M. (2021). Building a life worth living. New York: Random House Trade Paperbacks. Moss, M. (2013, February 20). The extraordinary science of addictive junk food. The New York Times. Retrieved from: https://www.nytimes.com/2013/02/24/magazine/the-extraordinary-science-of-junk-food.html National Center for Education Statistics (1996). Do rich and poor districts spend alike? Author. Retrieved from: https://nces.ed.gov/pubs/web/97916.asp#:~:text=Districts%20with%20high%2Dincome%20households,to%20spend%20for%20public%20education.&text=districts%20with%20moderate%2Dto%2Dhigh,student%20(%245%2C411%2D%20%244%2C774).  

What truly matters in a baby’s first year? This episode explores the top five things parents should focus on, helping you set priorities with confidence. Questions this episode will answer: How much influence do parents really have on their child’s development? What parenting practices actually make a long-term difference? Should you be worried about hitting developmental milestones on time? How can you your baby’s emotional well-being from day one? What are the best ways to foster a strong parent-child bond? What you’ll learn in this episode: Parenting advice changes constantly, often reflecting shifts in culture and scientific understanding. In this episode, we take a research-backed approach to uncover what truly matters in your baby’s first year—and what doesn’t. The Myth of the Perfect Parent: Learn why the definition of “good parenting” has evolved and how cultural expectations influence parenting choices. Nature vs. Nurture: Discover the surprising role genetics and socioeconomic factors play in shaping a child’s future. The Truth About Developmental Milestones: Understand why comparing your child to others can be misleading—and what really matters for long-term success. Helping Your Baby Feel Secure: Explore the key elements of emotional safety and how they healthy development. Building a Strong Parent-Child Connection: Learn practical strategies to foster trust, communication, and bonding with your baby. Making Parenting Easier: Get clarity on what’s actually worth stressing about—spoiler: fancy baby gear isn’t on the list. us as we use our values to understand how to get parenting right from the start for your baby and family. If you’re ready to dive even deeper into these ideas and get hands-on guidance in your parenting journey, our Right From The Start course that I run with Hannah & Kelty of Upbringing is here to help. It’s designed to give you the confidence and tools to your baby’s emotional well-being, strengthen your bond, and parent with intention—right from the start. You'll get access to nine modules of content on topics like ing baby's sleep, feeding with confidence, and ing a strong sibling relationship. You'll also learn how to meet your own needs - because you're a whole person with needs, not just your baby's parent. Right From The Start is available anytime, and you get access to a group coaching call once a month for a year after you . You can give the course as a gift - it might be the most useful baby shower gift anyone can receive (besides the industrial strength laxatives and nipple shields!) Click the image below to learn more about Right From The Start:   Other episodes mentioned 081: How can I decide which daycare/preschool is right for my child? 079: What is RIE? 084: The Science of RIE Q&A#5: What really matters in parenting? Part 1   Jump to highlights 01:25 Introducing today’s episode 03:35 Socioeconomic status can make a large contribution to children’s outcome 04:57 Traumatic experiences mostly happen among poor families 09:27 Non-exhaustive list of things that don’t matter enough to be worth worrying about for parents who are expecting a baby or have one under the age of one 16:05 Verbalization of comparing each baby's milestone can create the conditions that we know can arouse shame in a lot of people surrounding the baby 21:23 Childcare is the sixth most important thing that can make an impact on a baby’s life in their first year of existence 26:42 Dividing the workload as a parent is one of the essential things that is crucial for the babies 33:39 How do our childhood experiences affect how we discipline our children? 39:53 Approaches in planning the baby’s first year of existence is the third most important idea that matters 43:31 Learning how to interpret someone’s behavior as an expression of their need can be crucial for babies 46:42 Identifying parent needs is the most important factor that matters for the baby's development 52:01 Wrapping up the discussion   References American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (n.d.). Suicide statistics. Author. Retrieved from: https://afsp.org/suicide-statistics/ DeSilver, D. (2013, December 19). Global inequality: How the U.S. compares. Pew Research Center. Retrieved from: https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2013/12/19/global-inequality-how-the-u-s-compares/ Hirth, J. M., & Berenson, A. B. (2012). Racial/ethnic differences in depressive symptoms among young women: The role of intimate partner violence, trauma, and posttraumatic stress disorder. Journal of women's health, 21(9), 966-974. National Institute of Mental Health (2023, July). Major depression. Author. Retrieved from: https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/major-depression#:~:text=disorders%2C%20or%20medication.-,Prevalence%20of%20Major%20Depressive%20Episode%20Among%20Adults,more)%20races%20(13.9%25). United Nations (n.d.) Inequality – Bridging the divide. Author. Retrieved from: https://www.un.org/en/un75/inequality-bridging-divide#:~:text=The%20measurements%20and%20impacts%20of,urbanisation%20raise%20urgent%20policy%20challenges.  

Feeling Overwhelmed by Parenting Stress? You’re Not Alone. If you’re exhausted, stretched too thin, and struggling with the stress of parenting, you’re not the only one. Many parents—especially mothers—find themselves running on empty, constantly trying to meet everyone’s needs while their own go unnoticed. Parenting stress can leave you feeling frustrated, drained, and even angry at your kids, whom you love so much.   In this episode, we’re unpacking why parenting can feel like too much and what we can do about it. We’ll explore the hidden pressures that push parents toward burnout, the unrealistic expectations we place on ourselves, and small shifts that can help you feel more ed, more present, and less overwhelmed by the daily stress of parenting.   Questions This Episode Will Answer: Why does parenting feel so much harder than I expected? Is it normal to feel resentful or emotionally drained from the stress of parenting? Am I an angry parent? Is this just who I am? How can I take care of myself when my kids need me all the time? Why do I feel guilty when I set boundaries or ask for help? What small, doable changes can I make to feel more balanced and present?   You’ll Learn: Why so many parents feel like they’re drowning—and why it’s not your fault What’s really behind that constant exhaustion and frustration Practical ways to lighten the load without adding more to your to-do list How small mindset shifts can make parenting feel less overwhelming How to recognize when parenting stress is turning you into an angry parent—and what to do about it This isn’t about striving for perfection or forcing yourself to do more. It’s about finding simple, meaningful ways to care for yourself while still showing up for your family.   Parental Burnout Quiz Here's the quiz mentioned in the episode: https://en.burnoutparental.com/suis-je-en-burnout   If you snap at your kids more often than you'd like... If your anger seems to come out of nowhere, and you can't stop it... If you've promised your kids you won't yell at them as much, but keep on doing it...   ...the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help.   We have special rolled-back pricing for our Spring 2025 opening, and the same 100% money back guarantee we've always had. There are so many parents already enrolled who are just waiting to be in healing, nurturing, joyful community with you!   Click the image below to learn more and sign up.   Core episodes we reviewed 111: Parental Burn Out 130: Introduction to mindfulness and meditation with Diana Winston 122: Self-comion for Parents 186: How to meet your needs with Mara Glatzel SYPM 009: How to Set Boundaries in Parenting   Other episodes referenced 193: You don't have to believe everything you think 121: How to your perfectionist child 017: Don't bother trying to increase your child's self-esteem   Jump to highlights 02:21 Introduction of episode 04:05 Four key symptoms of parental burnout 05:00 Factors why the parents in some countries burnout more than others. 06:02 Kelly's burnout experience 08:55 Cortisol level on burnout parent 09:28 Important risk factors for burnout 11:30 The roles of societal expectations on parents 12:58 Personal strategies to address burnout 13:37 Mindfulness awareness 20:25 Self-comion for parents 21:43 Parents debilitating perfectionism 24:20 Strategy for achieving self-comion 25:54 Introduction on parental neediness 29:33 The common barrier to prioritize needs 31:31 Need that often get neglected 34:50 Difference between boundaries and limits 38:36 Why we default to limit so much 39:59 What happens when parents don't set boundaries 43:13 Reasons why parents feel overwhelmed 49:00 Ideas to bring out to life [accordion] [accordion-item title="Click here to read the full transcript"] Emma 00:00 Hi, I'm Emma, and I'm listening from the UK. We all want our children to lead fulfilled lives, but we're surrounded by conflicting information and clickbait headlines that leave us wondering what to do as parents. The Your Parenting Mojo podcast distills scientific research on parenting and child development into tools parents can actually use every day in their real lives with their real children. If you'd like to be notified when new episodes are released and get a free infographic on the 13 reasons your child isn't listening to you and what to do about each one, just head on over to yourparentingmojo.com/subscribe, and pretty soon you're going to get tired of hearing my voice read this intro, so come and record one yourself at yourparentingmojo.com/recordtheintro. Jen Lumanlan 00:46 Hello and welcome to the Your Parenting Mojo podcast. A few months ago I asked listeners for on what you appreciate about the show and what I could do to serve you better. A long-time listener who prefers to remain anonymous pointed out that I have a lot of episodes by now! Even though she’s been around the show for a while, she pointed out that when she starts listening to a new podcast she often feels overwhelmed by the back catalog of episodes and doesn’t know where to begin. Should she go back to the start? To the most recent? To some random episode that seems relevant to her? The listener suggested that I create a kind of map of episodes for new listeners, depending on their particular goals and what’s going on in their lives right now. I immediately saw the usefulness of the idea but it was hard to work it in to the schedule! In the early days of the podcast I used to worry that I would run out of ideas to explore but 230+ episodes later it hasn’t happened yet, and I don’t anticipate it happening anytime soon. And I already release so much content either every week or every other week, so it’s been hard to find a spot to start creating one of these - but finally I have a bit of a break in the schedule so here it is. If you’re feeling exhausted, and if it seems like you’re stretched too thin, or like parenting has become more draining than joyful, then this episode is for you. Maybe you’ve snapped at your child over something small and immediately felt guilty about it. Maybe you’re finding it harder to stay patient, to enjoy the little moments, or even to care about things that used to matter to you. You might feel exhausted and overwhelmed, and wonder: Is this just normal parenting stress, or is there something bigger going on? Jen Lumanlan 02:21 In today’s episode, we’re going to take a closer look at what to do when you feel so exhausted and overwhelmed that it seems like you’re drowning. To do this, we’ll draw on several episodes that we’ve covered over the years. I’ll pull out the major ideas in each of those episodes and also direct you on where to find them, if you want to dive deeper. We’ll start by looking at parental burnout, and then at some tools that you can use to navigate situations where it seems like you’re drowning, whether or not you’re officially diagnosable with burnout. These include mindfulness, self-comion, understanding your needs, and setting boundaries. So let’s begin with parental burnout - what it is, why it happens, and what you can do about it. We’ll explore how to recognize burnout in yourself, why so many parents are struggling with it, and the role that unrealistic societal expectations play in making it worse. The overall idea that I want to leave you with in this episode is that feeling overwhelmed, or exhausted, or burnt out does not mean you are not a bad parent. You’re a human being with limits, and today, we’re going to explore how to honor those limits while still showing up for your children in a way that feels sustainable and fulfilling for you. So as we dig in on parental burnout, we’re going to draw on episode 111 on the topic of parental burnout where listener Kelly and I co-interviewed Dr. Moira Mikolajczak, who is one of the world’s leading researchers on the topic. Parental burnout as a state of extreme physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion caused by the chronic stress of parenting. It goes beyond everyday tiredness—parents experiencing burnout feel completely drained, like they have nothing left to give. Even basic parenting tasks, like preparing meals or responding to their child’s needs, can feel overwhelming. Jen Lumanlan 04:05 There are four key symptoms of parental burnout. The first is deep exhaustion, where parents feel constantly fatigued, even after rest. The second is emotional distancing, where they withdraw from their children, not because they don’t love them, but because you don’t have the energy to engage. The third symptom is loss of joy in parenting—the things you once enjoyed, like playing or reading with your child, start to seem like burdens. And finally, there’s a painful contrast between the parent that you want to be and the parent that you’ve think you’ve become, often leading to intense guilt and shame. Parental burnout is not rare, but its prevalence varies widely depending on where you live. Research shows that in some countries, as many as 9% of parents experience burnout, while in others, it’s less than 1%. The biggest differences exist between Eurocentric countries—like the U.S., Canada, and much of Europe—versus non-Eurocentric countries in Africa and Asia. So why do parents in some places burnout more than others? One of the biggest factors is social . In many non-Eurocentric cultures, parenting is more communal. Extended family , neighbors, and even older children play an active role in raising younger children. Parents don’t carry the full weight of child-rearing alone, which helps prevent burnout. In contrast, parents in Eurocentric countries—especially mothers—often believe they have to do everything. They’re expected to work, to manage the household, to take care of their children’s emotional and cognitive development, and do it all without much outside help. And on top of that, we face intense social pressure to be perfect parents, which adds to the stress. The combination of high expectations and low makes burnout much more common in Eurocentric cultures, where it seems like parents, and mothers particularly, are doing it all alone. Listener Kelly who co-interviewed Dr. Mikolajczak with me described her experience of what burnout was like, and I want to share that with you in her words: Kelly 06:03 Yeah, so I suppose it has been growing for quite some time, maybe even up to 10 years in a lighter variance of it. I guess, for me, it was a combination of my characters, some health issues have been going through. Like I said, that the tough time the first year is my daughter really, really hadn’t opened and then some challenges that work. So it was really like a lot of things that were out of my control, but then combined with my response to them that just led to this burnout. And at most times, actually, I wasn’t aware of how much I was racing. And later my husband described it as if he was trying to stop a very heavy train and I just kept going and going and he couldn’t stop me. It was kind of weird because I just didn’t realize how I was doing. It was later when we talked about when I was a lot more calm. And he explained that to me when it dawned on me, I suppose. And it really hit me when I came back after holiday and went back to work and I felt quite okay at the start of the day. But when I came home, I was so shaken and stressed and I felt physically sick. And I just realized how much work was contributing to the story as well. And then finally, I had a breaking point. So just kind of when it already dawned that something was up. But then I had a breaking point about a month later when I was away for work. And I just had a blackout, total blackout. I was sitting on a wall there. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know where to go. I phoned my husband and he helped me to get to a train station and to find a train to come home and he came in the car halfway to pick me up. And then when I was in the car, I had more or less...

Struggling to get your child to open up? Discover 8 key reasons kids resist sharing their feelings—and actionable strategies to create real connection.   Why Your Child Won’t Open Up—and What You Can Do   As parents, we deeply want to our children, but when we ask, “What’s wrong?” and get silence or resistance in return, it can feel frustrating and confusing. Why won’t they just tell us what’s going on? Whether your child is too young to articulate their emotions, brushes off your questions, or reacts with defiance, you’re not alone.   In this episode of Your Parenting Mojo, we explore the real reasons children struggle to express their feelings and how we, as parents, might unintentionally make it harder for them to share. You’ll learn practical, connection-based strategies to shift these dynamics, helping your child feel safe enough to open up—without forcing the conversation. The episode builds on the ideas in my book Parenting Beyond Power: How to Use Connection and Collaboration to Transform Your Family - and the World.   Questions This Episode Will Answer: Why does my child shut down when I ask about their feelings? How can I encourage my child to express emotions—even if they can't or don't speak? Could how I talk to them make them less likely to share? How should I respond when they say, “I don’t care” or “Stop talking like that”? How can I build long-term trust so they confide in me more? What common parenting habits discourage open communication without us realizing it? What strategies can I use to make problem-solving conversations feel safe and collaborative?   What You’ll Learn in This Episode 8 key reasons why kids resist sharing their emotions. How to recognize when your child wants to open up but doesn’t know how. The hidden impact of parenting focused on getting the child to behave correctly—and how to shift toward emotional connection. How to reframe conversations so your child knows you see, know, and love them for who they really are. Actionable tools to help your child feel safe expressing their emotions.   Taming Your Triggers If you see that your relationship with your child isn’t where you want it to be because: you’re feeling triggered a lot by your kids’ behavior... they’re not willing to share how they’re feeling with you because they’re afraid of your reaction... they think you’ll just try to get THEM to change... ... then the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you. Sign up for the workshop now . Special pricing to celebrate our 10th anniversary: only $147! Click the banner to learn more.   Other episodes mentioned 207: How not to be a permissive parent 209: How to get on the same page as your parenting partner 226: Where emotions come from (and why it matters) Part 1 227: Where emotions come from (and why it matters) Part 2 075: Should we Go Ahead and Heap Rewards On Our Kid?   Jump to highlights 01:25 Introduction of episode 02:17 How to problem solve with children who cannot verbally share their feelings 04:34 Children might resist sharing their feelings because we’re focused on changing their behavior 07:53 Children might not participate in the conversation because we judge them 11:51 Children might resist participating in conversation because we have already decided what the “correct” solution is in advance 13:30 We haven’t taken time to understand the child’s needs 16:43 The child might not tell how they feel because they don’t know how they feel 19:56 The child might not tell you what’s wrong because you’re asking them in the heat of the moment   [accordion] [accordion-item title="Click here to read the full transcript"] Adrian  00:03 Hi, I'm Adrian in suburban Chicagoland, and this is Your Parenting Mojo with Jen Lumanlan. Jen is working on a series of episodes based on the challenges you are having with your child. From tooth brushing to sibling fighting to the endless resistance to whatever you ask, Jen will look across all the evidence from thousands of scientific papers across a whole range of topics related to parenting and child development to help you see solutions to the issue you're facing that hadn't seen possible before. If you'd like a personalized answer to your challenge, just make a video if possible, or an audio clip if not. That's less than one minute long that describes what's happening and email it to @yourparentingmojo.com and listen out for your episodes soon.   Jen Lumanlan  00:53 Hello and welcome to the Your Parenting Mojo podcast. In this episode I want to address some of the most common challenges that parents have when they first start implementing the ideas they hear here on the podcast, specifically related to not being able to understand their children's feelings, because the kids won’t tell them what’s going on with them. Perhaps their child isn't old enough to speak yet, or doesn't speak much or at all for some reason. Their child might not respond when the parent asks how they're feeling, or they might say ‘stop talking to me with all that therapy speak,’ or “I don't caaaare!”   Jen Lumanlan  01:25 In this episode we will help you to understand the eight main reasons why your child can’t or won’t tell you how they’re feeling, and give you concrete actionable strategies to address each one of them.  This episode draws heavily on my book Parenting Beyond Power How To Use Connection And Collaboration To Transform Your Family And The World. It also goes beyond the little bit of information in the chapter on common problems parents have with problem solving conversations simply because the space available in the book was limited. Some of the ideas here are also a bit different from in the book because the book looks at challenges parents have with problem solving conversations more broadly.  Here I want to focus more tightly on why your child might not be willing to share their feelings with you – so focusing mostly on the beginning of the conversation, where many parent I talk with are getting stuck. So let’s get into it.   Jen Lumanlan  02:17 We'll begin at the beginning by looking at the youngest children first many parents discover my work before their children can speak in full sentences, and they wonder how on earth am I supposed to have a problem solving conversation with a young child who can only say a few words, never mind how they’re feeling. When I coach these parents one-on-one it's actually very easy for them to get a reasonable understanding of their children's feelings. When we expect a child to use their words to tell us their feelings they're not going to be able to do it when they're aged one or two.  But if we put ourselves in their shoes and try to understand how we would feel if we were in their position, most of the time we can actually understand that fairly easily. The tool I use with parents in my private coaching sessions is the same feelings list that's publicly available to you at your parentingmojo.com/feelings.  It's freely available to use, you can a PDF to print and stick on your fridge, there are options to in multiple languages and if you don't see your language represented and we'd like to translate the feelings list please do reach out to @yourparentingmojo.com. We would love to make that happen. We also have picture based version to print and share with your kids. So they can get used to using it. So once you have your feelings list, you might want to close your eyes for a minute or so and imagine yourself as your child. Imagine yourself in a small body being told what to do for a good chunk of the day, at home, and maybe in childcare or at preschool as well. You're pretty clear about what you want to do and how you want to do it but it's hard to find the words to explain that to people in a way that they can understand and also makes them want to help you. Now bring to mind the challenge that you're having with your child and try to frame that in a non judgmental way. So we aren't working on why my child is refusing to brush their teeth; we're working on why tooth brushing has been difficult recently. With that in mind, open your eyes and look at the feelings list and see if you can hold yourself in your child's perspective and imagine what it's like to be them in that situation, and think about and write down the feelings that come to your mind. The vast majority of parents I work with are pretty capable of putting themselves in their child's shoes and understanding their child's feelings when they put their mind to it. This means that the child not being able to verbally communicate their feelings doesn't have to be a barrier to using problem solving techniques.   Jen Lumanlan  04:34 The second reason why children might resist sharing their feelings is because we are focused on trying to change the child's behavior, or we've done this in the past, even if this isn't our explicit intention this time around. So if you think about a time when somebody has come to you and has tried to change your behavior- whether it was a parent when you were young, a spouse more recently, or even a boss, you might some of the feelings that popped up when that happened - especially if you thought the way you were doing the activity was actually objectively the better way. Most of us resist having our behavior changed. I resisted having a child for several years for not much more of a reason than my mother-in-law wanted me to have a child!  When we approach a challenge we're having with our child from the perspective of wanting their behavior to change we can expect before the conversation even begins that they're going to resist, and the best way a child has to resist is to refuse to participate in the process. We can have a pretty good idea that we are going into the conversation with a goal to change the child's behavior when our statement of the problem contains the word “you.”  So “can we talk about why you won't get dressed in the morning,”  “Can we talk about why you keep yelling at me,” and “Can we talk about how to get you to stop hitting your sibling” are all great examples of a parent focusing on changing a child's behavior. Seeing a behavior that we want to change might be a reason why we want to have a problem solving conversation with our child, but if we express it to our child in that way they're going to resist.   It is possible to form a neutral observation using the word ‘you’ but when you’re just learning how to start making these observations, I’d recommend avoiding that construction for now. I think one of the reasons we get sucked into thinking that their behavior has to change is because we’ve been doing things a certain way for a long time – sometimes we consciously chose to do them that way, but sometimes we just fell into them for no real reason and kept doing them that way.  Then we expect our children to do things the way we’ve always done them when they may have their own ideas about what would work better for them.  Then we get into a power struggle.  I explored this in an early episode which was an interview with Alfie Kohn, where I’d read an article on how to use rewards to get a child to comply with doing household chores like putting clothes in the hamper.  We can reward our children for putting their clothes in the hamper and they may do it while we’re rewarding them, although they may stop once the rewards stop.  But why weren’t they doing it in the first place?  When we reward them, we miss the opportunity to ask that question.  If they weren’t putting their clothes in the hamper because they had a need for ease, then how could we make this easier for them?  Could we put a hamper, or even just a laundry basket, in their room so they don’t have to go out to the bathroom?  We also miss the opportunity to ask why we want them to use the hamper in the first place – what need are we trying to meet? Most likely it’s needs related to ease, collaboration and teamwork (so I’m not the only person doing all the work in the house) and competence in parenting – so I can feel more confident that I’m raising a child who has skills to succeed in the future.  There are a hundred other ways I could get those needs met, and I would put money on being able to identify some ways my child could help out around the house that also met her needs. And then I wouldn’t have to bribe her to put her clothes in the hamper, and both of our needs would be met.   Jen Lumanlan  07:53 The third reason why children might not want to participate in a conversation is linked to the second, and it's that we judge their behavior. This can often come out in the format: “You always…” or “You never…”.  As I said in parenting beyond power it's pretty easy to see the effects of judging when we think about how it feels when other people do it to us. It might be something like: “You never unload the dishwasher” or “You’re always so emotional.”  Another word for a judgment is a criticism, and we learned in episode 209 on how to get on the same page as your parenting partner how criticism is the first of what doctors John and Julie Gottman call the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Criticism is almost invariably followed by one or more of the other three horsemen of the apocalypse which is when things get even worse.  The second horseman is defensiveness, which can come out in one of three forms: righteous indignation, counterattack, and whining. So when somebody else criticizes us for being too emotional righteous indignation would have us say: I'm not too emotional!” Counter attack would have us say: “at least I don't have the emotional life of a rock!” And the adult version of whining might sound something like: “OK fine, I'll make sure my emotions match your expectations in future.”  Because our children are people too, they tend to use these same tools. If we tell them their bedroom is messy, our judgment they say: “I like it that way!” or “Clean it yourself, then, if you care about it so much!” or “Why do I have to clean my room when my brother doesn’t clean his?” The third of the four horsemen is contempt, which the Gottmans define as treating others with disrespect mocking them with sarcasm and condescension, using hostile humor, name calling, mimicking, and body language such as eye rolling and sneering. We tend not to see this so much with younger children because we use our power over them to get them to stop if we do see it. But eventually our children learn that we actually don't have the power to control their bodies, which is why we see so much of this behavior come out in the teenage years. The fourth of the four horsemen is stonewalling, which is the stereotypical male response to a female criticism: simply shutting down. Stonewalling was my preferred defense mechanism for many years, developed during my teens when my father would lecture me for hours on end about my many failures. I wasn't permitted to answer back so I simply nodded and agreed as he talked himself through his lecture, but mentally I was somewhere else.  When our children mentally or emotionally check out by being physically with us in the room, but refusing to participate in the conversation, or if they physically walk away from us, we might check whether our framing or explanation of the problem could be perceived as critical. If it can we want to try to restate that from a neutral perspective, where we own the problem together. We talked with parent Diana in episode 207 on how not to be a permissive parent how a judgments damage our relationship with our child. Judgments can be incredibly useful in our heads, as they give us information about our needs that are not being met. But when those judgments come out of our mouths unedited, they often hurt the person who is on the receiving end. Instead, we can make a translation in our heads to reframe the problem as one that we own together. When there's one specific behavior that seems challenging, it's OK to be specific. So you might reframe: “can we talk about why you won't get dressed in the morning?” to “I've noticed that we've had a hard time getting out the door in the morning at 8:30 recently. It seems as though getting dressed has been difficult. Can we talk about that?”  Where the child has experienced big changes recently, like a new school, a new teacher, birth of a sibling, etcetera it can help to use more general language. So instead of “can we talk about why you keep yelling at me?” you could try “it seems like we've been having a hard time lately. Would you like to talk about that?”  The child may not...

How to heal the anger in your relationship with your spouse Parent Laurie was doing really well when she had two kids. She had been with her partner for a long time, she had just achieved her first managerial role at work, and things were going great - so they thought it would be a good time to add a third child.   Then: Pandemic. Two kids under three. Oldest child started school and had problems that were diagnosed as ADHD and Autism. Navigating all the appointments and calls from school took so much time that Laurie dropped down to part-time work, so her salary would no longer cover the cost of childcare. She quit her job and became a stay-at-home parent. The Anger Begins Then the anger and rage began. Laurie had always had anger throughout her whole life, and thought she knew how to handle it - but this rage was a different story. It felt like she wasn't in control, which is the complete opposite of how she wanted to show up as a parent and as a partner - so she felt deeply ashamed of it.   Her husband Jordan bore the brunt of it - for big issues and small. They had a mouse problem...and one day he left Goldfish crackers out. Laurie was like the villainous octopus witch Ursula from The Little Mermaid who wanted to tear everything down - to tear HIM down. The Impact of Anger on Laurie's Kids Of course her kids heard all of this. Not long after his diagnosis, her oldest son had given a presentation to his class about his family, and he introduced Laurie by saying: "No matter what happens, my Mom is calm and unflappable and she can handle it." It was Laurie's parenting dream come true, since she didn't grow up in a calm house. Laurie felt so ashamed that she wasn't the calm center of the family anymore, and that her kids were afraid of her. Where the Anger Comes From Then she started to learn the sources of her triggered feelings from waaay back in that not-so-calm household. She also learned that getting her husband to change his behavior was not the answer - even though she very much wanted it to be the answer!   She started to heal from the hurts she's experienced, and has learned how to sit with her rage without making it her husband's fault. And from there, she's begun to feel the rage less often.   Now there are more 'magical' moments in their relationship, as they share silly texts like they used to before they had kids. How to Repair After Anger Laurie shares her story in this extraordinarily revealing interview. And at the end I coach her on a challenge she faced that very morning: she's now aware of the difference between feelings and fake feelings (that are really judgments in disguise). But even though she knows the difference she can't always stop herself from directing the fake feelings judgments at her husband - which had started a fight that day.   We talked through how to avoid the judgments next time - and how to repair effectively with her husband later that night. I also share a message Laurie sent me about how the repair went!   I hope you enjoy this inspiring conversation.   If you know you need help with your triggers but don’t know what to do, come to the FREE Why You’re So Angry With Your Child’s Age-Appropriate Behavior – and What To Do About It (without stuffing down your feelings and pretending that you aren’t angry) masterclass.   Finally understand the causes of your triggered feelings and find out how to feel angry less often – in just 36 minutes. Watch the recording anytime it’s convenient for you, then me for a FREE LIVE Q&A session and coaching from 10-11:30am Pacific on Thursday February 6. (We’ll send you a recording in case you can’t attend – although you have to be there to get your questions answered and win great prizes!)   Click the banner below to learn more and sign up.   Other episodes mentioned: 232: 10 game-changing parenting hacks – straight from master dog trainers   Jump to highlights 01:55 Laurie’s introduction 13:40 Laurie’s intentions when she ed the Taming Your Triggers workshop 23:17 The tools that Laurie put into practice and found helpful 34:32 The changes that Laurie has seen in her family 39:18 Importance of recognizing fake feelings and needs 45:25 Doing difficult behavior to receive connection 49:54 Seeing when you feel agitated in your body 54:26 Starting a non-judgmental observation   [accordion] [accordion-item title="Click here to read the full transcript"] Kelly  00:03 Hi. This is Kelly Peterson from Chicago, Illinois. There's no other resource out there quite like Your Parenting Mojo, which doesn't just tell you about the latest scientific research on parenting and child development, but puts it into context for you as well, so you can decide whether and how to use this new information. If you'd like to get new episodes in your inbox, along with a free infographic on 13 Reasons Your Child Isn't Listening to you and what to do about each one, sign up at yourparentingmojo.com/subscribe. If you'd like to start a conversation with someone about this episode, or you know someone who would find it useful, please do forward it to them. Thank you so much.   Jen Lumanlan  00:56 Hello and welcome to the Your Parenting Mojo podcast. We are here today with a very special guest. We are here with parent Laurie, and we're going to talk a little bit about some changes she's been making over the last few months in her parenting and her relationship with her kids. And we're also going to do a bit of coaching as well, which I'm excited for too. So welcome Laurie. It's so great to have you here.   Laurie  01:17 Oh, I'm so excited. It's funny. I met once like incredibly excited to be with you, your work, actually having a conversation like this, you know, in daylight hours, not in the hash of midnight. You know, try to, and it's also very serious and heavy. So it's a very interesting contrast within and I'm trying to just hold it, hold it together.   Jen Lumanlan  01:37 Hold all of it at the same time. Well, thank you so much for sharing that with us. Yeah, it's, it's a little bit like that with me as well, right? Are we going to make sure that we cover things that listeners find interesting, and also, I know based on our previous interactions, you and I could just talk for hours. So yeah, so why don't you just start off by telling us a little bit about who you are? Where are you, who's in your family?   Laurie  01:55 Sure. So I live on the west coast of Canada in British Columbia, and I'm a mother of three sons. They are ages ten, seven and four and partnered. I have a husband, Jordan, and we've been married. It's in that gray area where you think it's 15 years, but it might be 18, it could even be 20, but been together very, very long time since my late 20s, and I started having kids later in life. So I had my first at 36 and my last at 42. I am currently 46 years old, and what's I want to say about my family? There was something I wanted to I wanted to mention for sure that I thought was relevant to the course, but I'll just leave it there. If you have enough.   Jen Lumanlan  02:42 Yeah, no  worries. And you're a stay at home parent, right? I when you introduced yourself, you said, that's a risky turn you didn't see coming.   Laurie  02:49 This was it okay? So, yeah, there was two things I wanted to mention. And one, so I've been kind of working my whole life, and four years ago we had our last child. It was rate in the pandemic, the beginning of the pandemic. And there was some twists and turns I really did not see coming. I didn't realize how exponentially the workload would increase with three. I know that sounds very idealistic and novel, but I was like, Oh, two, it's good. It's good. And then three, I was like, we have 16 kids now. Like, how does anybody do this? Then my eldest was being assessed for certain things, certain struggles were coming up, and we were very curious, but trying to be very open about it. And the school was very generous, but really insisted on a psycho educational assessment. Led to a few other things, and he was diagnosed with autism and about four other comorbidities, almost just like dominoes, like do, do, do, do so autism, ADHD, Developmental Coordination Disorder, some sensory processing issues and some learning challenges, and that change like, then things really, really opened up. And it wasn't just like, worried with the school system of like, Oh, we got some sniffles, or everybody in our family sick. Again, it was, Oh, wow. Like, this is a whole new just world, and learning about like IEP, Individualized Education Plan and advocating and trying to teach my son to advocate. And really well meant, but limited resources within the public education system, and there's so many, it just everything went and it felt like a part time job or a full time job, just trying to learn of that. And then lastly on that, what would end up happening is my job. They were wonderful. They tried to say, like, look, let's do a jobshare with you. They were going to give me two days a week and then three days a week, type thing, with another person that was covering my leave, who is also wonderful. But it turned out even that the way I would get called into the school for different meetings and this and that, and this specialist and that specialist and and. Still trying to have a one year old, a two year old, and my person in kindergarten. And then lastly, it ended up to get into the financial I don't recovering all the heavy stuff, the money stuff, but it would be like I would be paying $25 a month to have my kids in care. So it ended up being the salary I would have made, wouldn't have even covered the childcare. And I was devastated. I was gutted because I, just before I had actually got my first, like, managerial role, so I've been working, and I was like, like, I'm I'm doing it, you know, my Mary Tyler Moore hat, like, I'm doing it, and I know doing it. And I kids amazing. And it just kind of slowly these things started happening. I was like, oh, and my hat's kind of like, you know, trampled on the ground somewhere right now. Like, I was like, well, that part has to just go here for now. And we just couldn't afford to actually have me work, which I know sounds bizarre, and now we're at the place where we can't afford for me not to be working. So now I'm trying to claw my back, way back into professional career. Well, still dealing with the with the staff and my youngest will go to kindergarten next year. So this very long answer, but I did not see any of that coming. I worked through all my other kids, young person hoods, in a lot of ways. And then this one, I was like, oh, okay, here we are.   Jen Lumanlan  06:25 Yeah so you've talked through a lot of changes happening, yes, and I am just imagining all of the things in all of that, right, all of your kids diagnoses, and the amount of time that it's going to take to navigate the school system and all of the appointments and everything else and not working anymore, right as you are starting to meet your need for competence in your work in a way that is really meaningful to you. And I'm wondering if maybe any of this is linked to triggered feelings, perhaps, did they start coming out a little bit more than they had?   Laurie  06:57 Oh my gosh. I Oh, Jen, it is so lovely to talk to you. I wish we could be have this three day conversation marathon. I is so I feel seen in a way. I'm almost like tearing up. I haven't been able to say The Mary Tyler Moore, you know, hat and then down on the ground, because it's almost you don't I don't want to make anybody feel bad in my family. Of what of some of the things that was a necessity to kind of keep our stuff going. I felt I've had anger my whole life. I felt anger, and I know how to handle it, but this rage was a different story. Like this felt like I wasn't in control, and it is really the antithesis of how I want to show up as a parent or person or partner in any way, and so, and I'm deeply ashamed of it. So this is the heavy part where I'm really excited to talk to you, but I'm also like, Oh, please don't make me talk about this. I don't want to talk about this at all. This is, like, kind of humiliating, but also so important to talk about. So what would happen is it wouldn't be my children that would set me off so much I had a lot of kind of space for them, although there was moments for sure, but it was my partner, and little things became things that I was ready to burn it all down like, and I met like I was ready to be like the rage would come up so quick, and it would be something as simple as he left all the goldfish crackers out in the cupboard, and at that time, we were dealing with a mouse problem. And part of me was like, Are you kidding me? Like I was ready, like the monster within my inner Ursula with all eight tentacles wanted to come out and tear everything down, and it was very ugly, very painful, and I had to just, I didn't even know how to hold it, like the rage was so this, and the other thing was, is I'm right in perio menopause, and I think that's kind of a magical, amazing Time. It's also incredibly challenging, but I think my inner anything I've pushed down, it's coming, like it's coming for me and it's going to come out now, this is the time of my life where, and it just so coincides, because I had kids later that it's like I'm also going to have young kids during this transition and a marriage that we've kind of defaulted and, oh my God, what did I do to my career, you know? And if something happened to my partner, I don't, I can't even, I'm not even working to provide for my family. So all these things that I said, Oh, I'll never, you know, I'll never be all those. And it's like, Oh no, I am all of those, check, check, check, at the same time. But it was the rage that frightened me. And really I thought, Oh, I've I've got to do something like this isn't and what it was, it wasn't even that I was conscientious of the harm and effect that I was having on my partner. Oh, this is gonna make me cry. But it was just seeing my kids being afraid. Right? So long story. When my son was diagnosed with autism, about six months later, he gave a presentation to his grade three class about having autism. It was so beautiful and touching and incredible and just the way kids are. It was so in the moment and present, and the kids were really cool with each other, and he had to introduce us, and he introduced his status, like, really cool. His Job's really cool. Look at my dad's so cool. And I almost swallowed my tongue when it was his time to introduce me, because at that point, I wasn't working, and he was just introducing people, their job is who they are, their job is who they are. And I thought, Oh, crap, what is about to come out of this kid's mouth? And like, my mom does nothing, or uno like so I thought, oh. And what he said to the whole class was, this is my mom, and she is so calm and so loving. No matter what happens, she's unflappable, she's calm, she can handle it, and his words are big. I know that sounds like there's no way that was one of the things that tipped us off. He has some really big words thrown in there every once in a while. And then...

Children’s threats: What they mean and how to respond "If you don't give me a lollipop, I won't be your friend anymore.”  Said to a sibling: “If you don’t come and sit down, I'll take your toy.”  “If you don't give me candy before dinner, I'll hit you.” Has your child made threats like this (or worse ones) when things don't go their way? Whether it’s yelling, “I’ll never be your friend again!” or threatening to hurt you, hearing these words can stop you in your tracks. Why do our kids say things like this? Where do they even get the idea to use threats, when we've never said anything like this to them and we don't think they've heard it from screen time either? In this week's episode we'll dig deeply into these questions, and learn how to respond both in the moment the threat has happened - as well as what to do to reduce future threats. You’ll hear: A step-by-step strategy to deal with a real-life example - from the parent whose child said "If you don't lie down with me I will shatter your eyeballs!" The phrases we use with our kids that might unintentionally encourage this kind of behavior Specific, practical tools to use in the moment - and long before tensions escalate Are you ready to turn these tough moments into opportunities for deeper connection? Tune in to the episode today.   And what happens to you when your child threatens you? Do you lose your mind? Do you freak out that you might be raising a child who needs help to defuse violent tendencies, and then yell at them because their threats are SO INAPPROPRIATE? Hopefully this episode reassures you that that isn't the case. But that may not eliminate your triggered feelings - because these don't always respond to logic. If you know you need help with your triggers but don't know what to do, come to the FREE Why You're So Angry With Your Child's Age-Appropriate Behavior - and What To Do About It (without stuffing down your feelings and pretending that you aren't angry) masterclass. Finally understand the causes of your triggered feelings and find out how to feel angry less often - in just 36 minutes. Watch the recording anytime it's convenient for you, then me for a FREE LIVE Q&A session and coaching from 10-11:30am Pacific on Thursday February 6. (We'll send you a recording in case you can't attend - although you have to be there to get your questions answered and win great prizes!) Click the banner below to learn more and sign up.   Other episodes mentioned: SYPM 013: Triggered all the time to emotional safety 232: 10 game-changing parenting hacks – straight from master dog trainers   Jump to highlights: 03:03 Introduction of Reddit post about a child threatening his parent 19:27 The child listens but doesn’t do what they’re told 36:21 Recognizing the signals 42:42 Recognize the background stress   [accordion] [accordion-item title="Click here to read the full transcript"]  Adrian  00:03 Adrian, Hi, I'm Adrien in suburban Chicagoland, and this is Your Parenting Mojo with Jen Lumanlan. Jen is working on a series of episodes based on the challenges you are having with your child. From tooth brushing to sibling fighting to the endless resistance to whatever you ask, Jen will look across all the evidence from thousands of scientific papers across a whole range of topics related to parenting and child development to help you see solutions to the issue you're facing that hadn't seen possible before. If you'd like a personalized answer to your challenge, just make a video if possible, or an audio clip if not. That's less than one minute long that describes what's happening and email it to @yourparentingmojo.com and listen out for your episodes soon.   Jen Lumanlan  00:53 Hello and welcome to the Your Parenting Mojo podcast. If you don't give me a lollipop, I won't be your friend anymore. Maybe said to a sibling. If you don't come and sit down next to me, I'll take your toy, perhaps, said to you. If you don't give me candy before dinner, I'll hit you. Has your child ever threatened you for doing exactly these things or something like them, or maybe even they've threatened something worse? Do they threaten you for taking away things that they want, like sugar or screens, or for refusing to do something that they want you to do. If so, you are not alone. And if you have no idea what to do about this behavior, you're also not alone. When I asked my listeners in the free Your Parenting Mojo Facebook group about whether their children ever threaten them, a bunch of people raised their hands and said, yep, this happens at our house all the time. It also seemed as though parents felt very conflicted about how to address the topic, especially when they haven't modeled this kind of language at home. In this episode, I'll help you to understand where these threats come from and how to handle them in a way that feels good to you and also reduces the number of times your child says these kinds of things to you. I should say at the outset that the strategies I'm going to talk about in this episode are for children under the age of about 10 who might be threatening harm, but you either know they won't carry it out, or they don't have the access or ability to actually carry it out. Your preschooler might be able to follow through on a hit, and it might hurt, but it likely won't cause serious damage. They may even cause more serious damage accidentally. I've heard of parents who get a broken nose when they are behind their child and their child arches their back and the child's head hits the parent’s nose. These kinds of things can be hard to deal with, but they're a relatively expected part of childhood and are covered in this episode. If your child is making credible threats of serious physical harm against you and you believe they might carry it out, then this is beyond the scope of this episode, and I'd suggest that your first call be to the National Domestic Violence Hotline. I'll put a link to their website in the show notes for this episode. I also want to point out we're going to mention violence in this episode, including sexual violence. So if this would be difficult for you today, then I'd invite you to come back to this episode on a day when you feel more resourced. I actually found an old Reddit post that I want to think through as an example of how to understand what's happening in a situation where a child is threatening us. This post is actually the third result on a search for what should I do when my preschooler threatens me, and I'm going to use it for our analysis, because it has enough detail to understand a fair bit about the dynamic between the parent and child. You might want to listen carefully as I read the post and see if you can figure out what's happening before I explain what I see. The subject is 3.5 year old giving violent threats. And here's the rest of the post, I have a very intelligent, strong willed little guy that has an opinion about dang near everything, and assumed he has just as much, if not more, authority than any given adult. Sounds on par for a three-year-old, right? His language skills have always been impressive, and he seems to complicated words and phrases used months ago, and will recall them at just the appropriate time. He also likes to be rocked before bed every night. Whether it's because he cherishes the snuggles or the chance to stay awake for a few minutes longer is yet to be determined. I assume a little of both. But the other night, he was being rude and obstinate, and I warned him that he needed to work on showing me he could be a better listener and be respectful, or he could continue doing what he was doing, and I would leave him to put himself to bed. He didn't take the path I'd hoped for naturally, and I knew I needed to follow through to show him I was serious. So I said, okay, good night. I love you, and stood up to leave. Instantly, he screamed a guttural no, and began the full on crying fit and yelled, you're not listening to my words. I will rip you to shreds. And while I was trying to figure out what the actual heck, they didn't actually say heck, but what the actual heck was coming out of his mouth, he then proceeded to tell the cat to bite my knee off. I have bad knees. And as a cherry on top, he said, I will shatter your eyeballs. First of all, I'm not sure where he's getting these phrases. They seem kind of specific, and I'm trying to think if we watched any movies recently that would have said such a thing. But like I said, his memory is ridiculous, and he could be pulling something out of his pocket he's been holding onto for months. It's not the first time I've heard him say violent things, but usually he's talking to his toys, and the threats are a bit more generic, I guess. Second of all, and this is the heart of the matter, is this typical, or is my kid letting me know he's got a violent side we need to treat? TLDR, I'm trying real hard to not be raising a future serial killer. Okay, so we're going to take a close look at what's happening in the situation, and we'll start with the parents perspective. I'm going to refer to this parent as Luna, as that is part of their name, and I'm going to assume, for the sake of this discussion, that Luna identifies as female. Since I've talked about this, a good deal with female identifying parents, and they seem to have an especially hard time with this behavior. Most of the content in this episode is applicable to parents of any gender. Let's look at the issues related to mothers first. I think there are two important reasons why female socialized parents have a hard time with threats from children. Firstly, we're socialized to take care of everybody else's needs before our own, and if we have a child who's so dysregulated they're threatening us with something between not being our friend anymore and hitting us, then clearly there is something wrong, and it's probably something that we are doing wrong. If we were conditioned to believe that when everybody else around us feels calm and happy and content, then we have done a good job. Anyone expressing discontent seems like a failure, and it must be our failure. This can be especially pronounced if our parents had a lot of disagreements when we were young, and our role in the family was to moderate their fights. In the Sharing Your Parenting Mojo episode number 13, from 2021 which was called Triggered all the time to emotional safety, Parent Crystal shared how her parents would get into a huge fight and she would disappear into the kitchen to make tea for everybody to try and placate them. Her parents were supposed to be the ones who helped Crystal to feel safe, but instead, Crystal tried to soothe herself by getting them to stop arguing, because their arguing felt so unsafe to her. When we've grown up in this kind of environment, a child's dysregulation over something like screen time or candy can remind us of how unsafe we felt with our parents in childhood, which triggers us so we may then say things to our child that we don't mean, and then we go into a guilt and shame spiral because we know we didn't want to speak to our child in that way. We might even yell at them, but in that moment, we couldn't stop ourselves, maybe we even threaten our child. And of course, then we feel terrible about it, because it's just adding fuel to the fire and shows our child that threats are appropriate tools to use. The other way that women seem to experience this kind of behavior as more difficult than dads do is because mothers are judged a lot more by their children's behavior. What a child eats or doesn't eat, how they're dressed, whether they play nicely with other children or use tools like threatening violence, reflects on our ability as a mother. Our culture spends a lot of time and energy telling us that our value as human beings is equivalent to our value as mothers. So when our children use this kind of threatening language, it's easy to see how our value, both as mothers and as humans beings, seems threatened.   Jen Lumanlan  08:02 A lot of parents feel concerned about where this kind of language comes from, and you heard that from Luna as well. In some cases, the path is relatively easy to follow. If we're threatening our child on a regular basis, we can see how they might use this kind of language with us. Even if our threats are delivered in a calm way, like if you don't brush your teeth now we won't read stories tonight, we have to acknowledge these really are threats. Our child may be feeling much more dysregulated when they speak to us, which makes their words come out with much more force and ion, but the language is the same as we've been using with them. It's not uncommon for parents to describe a threat their child has made and say, well, I've never used language like that with them, when actually we may not have used that specific threat. We have modeled the process many times. We just call it logical consequences, as if there was something logical about the threat. I often find it really puts things that we say to our children into perspective when we hear another adult saying them to us, or when our child said something to us. I when Carys was about three, reading in a popular parenting book that children get tired of hearing us repeat our requests over and over again, and so we should use a single word if we restate our request. So if we ask our child to put their shoes away, and we look back five minutes later and they haven't done it yet, instead of saying I asked you to put your shoes away or why haven't you put your shoes away yet, we should just say shoes. One day, not long after I started using that tool, Carys and I were sitting on the sofa in the morning, and I was working, I think she may have been doing some kind of screen time, and she asked me to get some blueberries for her breakfast. And I said, Yeah, I'll do it next time I get up. 10 minutes goes by and I hadn't gotten up, and I'd also forgotten about the blueberries. She looked over at me and she said, blueberries. I was totally shocked at first and then kind of amused. I certainly did not like being spoken to in that way, and that was how I learned to try to put things we say to our children through a filter of what it would feel like to say or receive the thing I'm about to say from another adult. So when we say something like if you don't brush your teeth, we won't read stories. We are training them to use threats, even if that wasn't our intention. Our child may also have heard their parents threaten each other and understand that a threat is a way of using power over another person. In a moment when they think they don't have very much power and they want to have something or make you do something, we can see how using a threat can seem like an appropriate choice when the child has heard other people using them for this effect. Children might also pick up this kind of language from media like TV, YouTube, video games, or from the playground. While I think it can be helpful to reduce the number of threats we're making towards our child and toward our parenting partner when our child's around, I don't think it's super helpful to spend a whole bunch of time worrying about where they might have heard this outside of these relationships. We live in a culture that says violence is not okay, and then practices violence on a routine basis. In his excellent book and talk, which I have quoted from before, indigenous Australian author Tyson Yunkaporta says that “Creation started with a big bang, not a big hug. Violence is part of the pattern. The damage of violence is minimized when it is distributed throughout a system, rather than centralized into the hands of a few powerful people and their minions. If you live a life without violence, you are living an illusion, outsourcing your conflict to unseen powers and detonating it in areas beyond your living space. Most of the southern hemisphere is receiving that outsourced violence to supply what you need for the clean, technological, peaceful spheres of your existence.” In every newspaper on every day around the world, acts of violence are described awful violence that humans commit against each other. The countries that many listeners of this podcast live in, try to keep their hands out of direct fighting, but the violence is still there, even if we don't see it every day. So where does this come from? When parents have been telling kids not to be violent for decades, how do we end up with 20% of surveyed female college students reporting they've been raped during college, and over half of women and almost a third of men have experienced sexual violence, including physical , during their lifetimes. How can we spend so much time and energy telling people not to be violent and yet still be surrounded by so much violence? I think we can understand quite a bit about this from the Reddit post. So let's return to the end of the post so we can figure out what was happening and what are the points at which things might have gone differently along the way. I see five of these potential turning points. So we're going to start at the fifth and work our way backward. And I'm doing it this way because Luna posted about wanting to know what to do about their child's behavior, which is usually the problem that parents come to me with as well. The fifth turning point was obviously the biggest one, and it happened when the parent said, okay, good night. I love you, and stood up to leave so the child can put himself to bed. The child responds with a loud no and a full on crying fit and the threat of physical harm to the parent. When I see posts like this in online communities, it's fairly common for the parent to say something like it just goes from zero to 60 immediately. And it sort of seems like that in this example, even though Luna doesn't use those precise words. Luna says a calm good night, and the child immediately responds with the over the top, loud wailing and threats. And it seems like getting the child to stop making threats is the thing to fix. After all, the thing we said to them right before, okay, good night, I love you was not unreasonable, right? I'm gonna leave us hanging there for just a minute in of what we should do after we hear something like that from our child. This was the fifth of our potential turning points. Because the fourth of these turning points was a really big one that could have had a profound impact on how the fifth one turned out. So we learn about the fourth potential turning point in Luna's statement, but the other night, he was being rude and obstinate, and I warned him that he needed to work on showing me he could be a better listener and be respectful, or he could...

The Problem with Time Outs: Why They Fail, and What to Do Instead Recently, in Part 1 of this two-part mini-series, we began looking at a question from listener Melissa:  "Can time-outs ever have a place in a respectful parenting approach" European Child & Adolescent Psychiatry (2024): 1-9.

Time Outs: Helpful or harmful? Here’s what the research says Pediatricians and researchers commonly recommend that parents use time outs when kids misbehave.  Time outs are promoted as an effective, evidence-based parenting strategy - although the real reason they’re so highly recommended is that they cause less damage to children than hitting. But if we’re already using respectful/gentle parenting strategies most of the time, could there be any benefit to adding time outs when our children don’t comply with more gentle methods? This episode delves into the research on: Which children and families researchers think time outs are effective for (it’s not the same group of children who are usually study participants!); The precise time out script that has been shown to be effective (and why it works); Whether time outs harm children or not (this is one of the biggest controversies in the Gentle Parenting world) If you’ve heard that time out is an effective strategy to gain children’s cooperation but weren’t sure whether it fits with your Gentle Parenting approach, this episode will help you to decide for yourself whether it’s a good fit for you and your family.   Other episodes mentioned: Episode 231: How to baby’s development after a Wonder Week Episode 230: Do all babies have Wonder Weeks? Here’s what the research says Episode 154: Authoritative is not the best parenting style Episode 148: Is spanking a child really so bad? Episode 072: Is the 30 Million Word Gap Real: Part II Episode 066: Is the 30 Million Word Gap real?   Jump to highlights: 00:03 - Introduction 10:23 - Historical context and research on timeouts 17:26 - Critical analysis of timeout research 28:36 - Effective implementation of timeouts 33:59 - Challenges and limitations of timeouts 41:49 - Jen's personal experiences and emotional impact 49:29 - Alternative perspectives and values 57:39 - Conclusion and next steps   [accordion] [accordion-item title="Click here to read the full transcript"] Kelly 00:03 Hi! This is Kelly Peterson from Chicago, Illinois. There's no other resource out there quite like Your Parenting Mojo, which doesn't just tell you about the latest scientific research on parenting and child development, but puts it into context for you as well, so you can decide whether and how to use this new information if you'd like to get new episodes in your inbox, along with a free infographic on 13 reasons your child isn't listening to you and what to do about each one. Sign up at your parenting mojo.com/subscribe if you'd like to start a conversation with someone about this episode, or you know someone who would find it useful, please do forward it to them. Thank you so much. Jen Lumanlan 00:55 Hello and welcome to the Your Parenting Mojo podcast. Before we get started today, on our topic of time outs, I wanted to share a few words from a listener who's also been in both of the parenting and the learning hips. She read my book parenting beyond power when it came out over a year ago, and I only just got around to asking her permission to share her thoughts on where the book ranks compared to the 100 or so other books that she's read. Here's Theresa. Theresa 01:20 I've just finished your book. Amazing, really good. It was really like, yeah, and I'll describe it. I was like, I read it, and I was like, yay. It's like, all there in this really neat book. And I could just, like, refer back to the book, because it's like, you know, you managed to, like, funnel it all into a really and really easy to read. And really, what's the word, like reference. Like a reference. I want to just check that thing was that page, and you're like, Oh yeah, that was that bit. And, like, little scripts. It was, Yes, super helpful. I was gonna say, like, I've read probably I'm embarrassed about this or proud of this, but I've probably read over 100 parenting and yours rates up there like top five, top five. Jen Lumanlan 02:04 Thanks so much for the kind words Theresa. Parenting beyond power is available in local bookstores, on Amazon and in audio book format, so you can even hear me read it to you. Now. Let's hear from listener, Melissa, who asked me a question about time outs. Here's Melissa, Hi, Jen, Melissa 02:21 I have a question about timeouts. So my understanding is that timeouts are not great because timeouts are punitive and they're socially isolating, and they're often used when a child is dysregulated and the child actually needs connection and understanding. But then I read a blog post by Dan Siegel, who authored the whole brain child, and he alludes that there may actually be a potentially appropriate use of timeouts when used as part of an intentional parenting strategy. So I'm a little confused. I'd like to know if there is such a thing as a good and appropriate use of timeout, especially for things like misbehavior, rather than in response to emotions or tantrums, and is there a way of using a timeout that is effective? It might actually be an appropriate strategy in the respectful parents toolbox. Thank you so much. Jen Lumanlan 03:12 What an interesting question to explore. So let's break down the elements of Melissa's question so we can address them one by one. In this episode, we'll look at whether there is a way of using timeout that is effective, which will become an entry to thinking about the origins of timeout and the research available on it. We'll also look at a related topic, which is whether timeout is harmful in any way to our kids. I tried really hard to fit everything into one episode, but I couldn't compress it enough to make it listenable. So in our next episode, we'll look at using timeout in incidences of misbehavior rather than in response to emotions or tantrums, as well as the last part of the question about whether timeout can ever be an appropriate strategy in the respectful parents toolbox. Before we dive into the first formal question, let's just make sure that we're on the same page about what timeout is, because it's described very specifically in the research. Researchers define time out as, "the contingent withholding of the opportunity to earn reinforcement. It consists of time away, usually for one to five minutes from rewarding stimuli, including attention from the parent as a consequence of some form of misbehavior, parents learn a simple routine that requires the child to have conned or settled before being allowed to re the rewarding activity that they've been removed from." Sounds so simple, right? The name time out is a shortened form of the phrase time out from positive reinforcement, which is derived directly from B, F Skinner's behaviorist theory in the 1940s behaviorists investigated whether they could change pigeons and then chimpanzees behavior by removing access to food when they didn't do a task, and then they moved on to research on changing children's behavior. Essentially, what we're doing is we're seeing that children view their parents love and attention as a positive thing, which in behavior. Is called a reinforcement, and when we give time out from positive reinforcement, we're saying that the pigeon or chimp or child doesn't have an opportunity to access positive reinforcement for a period of time. The procedure was developed for children by Doctor Arthur Stotts in the 1950s who still very much believed in it when he was interviewed for an article in the Washington Post in 2019 he initially tested it on his own daughter, and now they have a family joke that her behavior was so bad that her dad had to invent time out. Longtime listeners to the podcast know that I do a lot of hedging here on the show. There's a lot of well, the studies say this, and if you squint at the data in just the right way, you can indeed see a statistically significant result in the case of time out, the research is surprisingly unequivocal. I'll quote from a 2019 paper by Dr Rachel Knight at the University of Michigan Medical School and her colleagues. She says, "time out has been studied for almost six decades, with applied research in children first reported in the 1960s overall, time out has been found to reduce many types of problematic behavior, such as non compliance and oppositionality, aggression, destruction of property and yelling, slash inappropriate vocalizations. Timeout is also a treatment component in several evidence based, manualized parent management training programs. In addition, timeout is effective in addressing problematic behavior across several ages, including infants, toddlers and preschoolers, school aged children and adolescents. Despite the voluminous research on timeouts effectiveness, the popular media frequently portrays time out as harmful, ineffective, or both." So this is a fairly typical statement that opens a modern paper on time out, and each of the main ideas in it is ed by a citation. So I went through them one by one. The citation for the assertion that time out has been studied for almost six decades with applied research in children first reported in the 1960s is a paper by Montrose Wolf, who was actually Dr starts as graduate assistant. Also other authors on this paper were Todd Risley and Hayden Mills, and this was published in 1963 if the name Todd Risley rings a bell, it's because he was also involved in the research on the so called 30 million word gap that we looked at in a couple of different episodes. This paper was more about the behaviorist ideas behind time out rather than timeout itself. Though, the researchers behavior space conditioning methods that timeout is related to and how the researchers used these to get a three and a half year old autistic boy named Dickey, who had a slew of other diagnoses as well, to stop having tantrums and start wearing his glasses so his vision wouldn't be lost. The authors would withheld Dickey's food until he complied with their demands, rather than making any attempt to understand why he was hurting himself during tantrums and why he wouldn't wear his glasses. From the researchers perspective, this case was successful, but we have no idea how Dickie turned out in the long term. As far as behaviorist researchers are concerned, once the behavior has changed, there is nothing more of interest to learn or do. We don't know if the self harming behavior ever returned or if Dickie developed other habits that his parents found difficult. After all, nothing's changed in the circumstances in their home. The only thing that changed was Dickey's behavior. If Dickie was self harming as a stress response, it seemed likely that he may have developed other stress response behaviors. Later on, researchers didn't help Dickie to learn any new tools for managing his stress response, only that when he expressed it, as he had been doing via tantrums in which he hurt himself, that so called privileges like food would be removed. Dr Knight went on to describe the different kinds of behaviors that could be addressed using time out. The first of these were non compliance and oppositionality, aggression and destruction of property, there were two studies cited in of this claim. In the first one, researchers worked with four children and their parents in a lab setting, parents were told to give children instructions like, come here or give me the truck. Wait five seconds for the child to comply, give a verbal reasoning for a time out, put the child in timeout while ignoring them, return them to timeout if they tried to escape, and then release them from timeout after the timeout period, plus three seconds of quiet at the end, and then the parent would immediately ask the child to do the original task again. The procedure was moderately successful in changing behavior, although compliance hovered around 60% after the Time Out procedure, which is far from total. The second study looked at 71 kids with ADHD, 44% of whom also met Oppositional Defiant Disorder criteria. These children were subjected to a time out procedure that was so complicated, there was a flow chart in the paper to describe it that involved reward points and timeouts that were extended for bad behavior, and could be cut in half for good behavior. Five children refused to go or stay in the timeout area and exhibited high rates of negative behavior during time outs. These children were rewarded for the time they were not in time out. For example, one child earned a nickel for every 15 minutes he was not in time out and. He could spend the money at the end of the day in a vending machine, although this is not an accepted part of timeouts, as parents are currently trained on them. The authors concluded that time out significantly suppressed the rate of problematic target behaviors for children with ADHD in the context of this intensive program. But the abstract fails to mention that they also had to add rewards for the children who resisted time out. Jen Lumanlan 10:23 The citation for yelling and inappropriate vocalizations is a study of two children aged 12 and 14 with an IQ of 52 and 55 and if it's been a while since you've worked with IQ scores, a score of 100 is considered, "normal," and so an IQ in the 50s comes with significant challenges. In this study, a teaching assistant started distributing food rewards randomly in class, an observer in the class decided when a child had misbehaved and would covertly signal to this teaching assistant to put an orange card on the child's desk and state name of the child you have misbehaved, you cannot receive treats for the next 10 minutes. Neither the teacher nor the student was ever told what behavior was incorrect. The Children's vocalizations decreased by 55% and 53% respectively. Although it is not clear whether it was only problematic vocalizations that decreased or whether the children just stopped participating in class. Time Out is indeed an important component of three evidence based programs that Dr Knight describes, including parent child interaction therapy, which we'll talk a bit more about in a bit. Dr knight goes on to state the different ages at which time out can be used. The study on infants was on four children aged 10 to 12 months, whose mothers were trained to start praising their children a lot and then give playpen time outs for what the researchers called Engaging in dangerous behavior, and this occurred between about a third and half of the observed intervals before the study began after treatment, this dangerous behavior only occurred in roughly 10% of observed intervals. This was not a short process, though, training sessions were conducted every four days, lasting between two and two and a half months, except for one mother and infant pair, where the mother's illness and work schedule resulted in training periods every 12 days over a period of 10 and a half months. And this is probably why time out is generally not recommended for children under the age of two. The study ing using timeouts with toddlers and preschoolers is kind of an odd one, because it focuses on a rarely used form of timeout called deferred timeout. If the child refuses to stay in timeout, they're told they owe timeout to the parent before the parent will help them again with a task or by playing with the child. The effectiveness of timeouts in school these children is ed by studies we've already discussed. While the assertion that timeout is effective for adolescents draws on a 1988 study of timeouts conducted in three psychiatric hospitals for children and adolescents, some sort of facility that courts had sent children to, and a day treatment program. So as we return to Melissa's question on whether timeout is effective, we see that researchers who cite evidence in of timeouts effectiveness often cite research that Canada doesn't really relate to our children if our children are not in an institutional setting. As a side note here, having done a number of episodes now, such as the two episodes on the Wonder weeks, as well as the episode on why authoritative is not the best parenting style, where researchers deliberately select white, middle class samples of normally developing children and parents with no known problems of their own, so the researchers can try to, as they put it, understand what actual development looks like before studying problematic populations. It's really interesting to see the timeout research taking a very different approach much of the time. Art research focuses on the most difficult cases, often consisting of case studies that only involve a very few subjects. It's very rare to find a case study that describes any procedure as failing, because these tend not to get published. It's well known that journals are more likely to publish significant findings than null findings. So it's possible there are a litany of unsuccessful and unpublished cases out there leading us to an erroneous conclusion about timeouts effectiveness. The only unsuccessful one that I found was actually by our old friend, Dr Todd Risley. He worked with a six year old girl who had brain damage caused by meningitis with, "an overlay of emotional disturbance and autism. He used a combination of time outs, shouting at her, shaking her and giving her electric shocks to stop her from climbing furniture and engaging in artistic shaking behavior, which today we would call stimming. At no point in this study did anyone try to understand why she was climbing so much or facilitate it in a safe way, and despite all the abusive treatment that she received in the lab, the paper says that no aggressive behavior toward any person or object occurred in the laboratory." Perhaps the real headline of this story should have been that this girl had more amazing emotion...

What Dog Trainers Know That You Don’t! Ever felt stuck figuring out how to respond to your child’s challenging behavior? What if the key lies in techniques used by master dog trainers? In this episode, we explore how strategies designed to nurture trust and communication with dogs can revolutionize the way we parent. From co-regulation to building a culture of consent, you’ll learn actionable steps to create a harmonious home environment.   What you’ll learn: Read dogs’ non-verbal cues to prevent bites - and how reading your child’s can prevent meltdowns. Never yell at dogs—and what they do to get cooperation instead. Calm anxious dogs—the same technique can reduce your child’s tantrums. Build trust and gain consent with dogs—which can also strengthen your relationship with your child. Stay calm under pressure—their strategies can help you navigate parenting stress as well.   This episode ties together the science of behavior with empathy to show that parenting doesn’t have to mean power struggles. By understanding your child’s needs (just like dog trainers learn to understand their dogs), you’ll build a connection that lasts a lifetime.   Don’t miss out on this unique perspective on parenting! Love what you’re learning? the show and help us keep delivering insightful episodes like this one! 👉  Click here: https://learn.yourparentingmojo.com/donate Ready to test your parenting instincts? Take our free Quiz to see how these strategies could work for you! Click the banner below. Book mentioned in this episode: Links The Other End of the Leash by Dr. Patricia McConnell How to Be Your Dog's Best Friend by The Monks of New Skete Parenting Beyond Power by Jen Lumanlan     Mentioned Episodes Episode 215: Why will no-one play with me? Episode 201: How to create a culture of consent in our families     Jump to Highlights 00:03     Introduction to Your Parenting Mojo Podcast 03:09     Acknowledgment of Listeners and Financial 04:39     Jen's Experience with Dog Training at the East Bay SPCA 06:47     Introduction to Dog Training Hacks 10:30     Hack 10: Creating a Culture of Consent 10:42     Hack 9: Not Dominating Our Children 15:38     Hack 8: Identifying Pressure Points 19:09     Hack 7: Don't Repeat Yourself 20:19     Hack 6: Shouting Doesn't Gain Compliance 22:42     Hack 5: Not Expecting Immediate Compliance 26:30     Hack 4: Getting Comfortable with Dysregulation 31:55     Hack 3: Co-Regulating with Your Child 34:30     Hack 2: ing Skill Building in Stressful Situations 39:40     Hack 1: Understanding Non-Verbal Communication 49:28      Conclusion and Call to Action     References McConnell, P. (2002). The other end of the leash: Why we do what we do around dogs. Random House. The Monks of New Skete. (2002). How to be your dog's best friend: A training manual for dog owners. Little, Brown and Company. Lumanlan, J. (2023). Parenting beyond power: How to use connection and collaboration to transform your family—and the world.      

In Part 2 of our Wonder Weeks series, we’re exploring how to your baby’s development once a Wonder Week has ed. Is there a predictable schedule to follow, or is your baby’s crying tied to something unique?   In this episode, we’ll dive into: ✨ What research says about crying and developmental stages. ✨ The cultural influences behind parenting decisions and baby care. ✨ Strategies to your baby through challenging times, Wonder Week or not. ✨ Ways to handle stress and ensure both you and your baby thrive.   Whether your baby follows the Wonder Weeks timeline or forges their own path, this episode equips you with the insights and tools you need to nurture their growth.   Ready to start your parenting journey with confidence? Click below to explore Right From The Start and prepare for a smoother, more empowered first year with your baby!     Book mentioned in this episode: The Wonder Weeks by Dr. Frans  Plooij and Hetty van de Rijt Childhood Unlimited: Parenting Beyond the Gender Bias by Virginia Mendez   Mentioned Episodes Episode 230: Do all babies have Wonder Weeks? Here’s what the research says Episode 138: Most of What You Know About Attachment is Probably Wrong Episode 72: What is RIE? Episode 084: The science of RIE Episode 173: Why we shouldn’t read the Your X-Year-Old child books anymore Episode 137: Psychological Flexibility through ACT with Dr. Diana Hill Episode 075: Should we Go Ahead and Heap Rewards On Our Kid? Episode 066: Is the 30 Million Word Gap real? Episode 072: Is the 30 Million Word Gap Real: Part II Episode 031: Parenting beyond pink and blue Episode 017: Don’t bother trying to increase your child’s self-esteem Episode 061: Can Growth Mindset live up to the hype?   Jump to Highlights 00:00 Introduction to the Your Parenting Mojo Podcast 01:49 Exploring the Developmental Leaps in Wonder Weeks 02:50 Critical Analysis of Leap Descriptions 12:04 Evaluating Leap Seven and Leap Eight 14:23 Parental Concerns and Cultural Influences 19:31 The Role of Social in Parenting 19:47 Addressing Fussy Periods and Parental Stress 44:34 The Evolution and Function of Regression Periods 51:10 Critique of Wonder Weeks' Parenting Advice 57:36 Conclusion and Final Thoughts   References Alink, L. R. A., Mesman, J., van Zeijl, J., Stolk, M. N., Juffer, F., Koot, H. M., Bakermans-Kranenburg, M. J., & van IJzendoorn, M. H. (2006). The early aggression curve: Development of physical aggression in 10- to 50- month old children. Child Development, 77(4), 954-966. Brix, N., Ernst, A., Lauridsen, L. L. B., Parner, E., Støvring, H., Olsen, J., ... & Ramlau‐Hansen, C. H. (2019). Timing of puberty in boys and girls: A population‐based study. Paediatric and Perinatal Epidemiology, 33(1), 70-78. Feldman, D. H., & Benjamin, A. C. (2004). Going backward to go forward: The critical role of regressive movement in cognitive development. Journal of Cognition and Development, 5(1), 97-102. Gopnik, A., & Meltzoff, A. N. (1985). From people, to plans, to objects: Changes in the meaning of early words and their relation to cognitive development. Journal of Pragmatics, 9(4), 495-512. Green, B. L., Furrer, C., & McAllister, C. (2007). How do relationships parenting? Effects of attachment style and social on parenting behavior in an at-risk population. American Journal of Community Psychology, 40, 96-108. Hall, E. S., Folger, A. T., Kelly, E. A., & Kamath-Rayne, B. D. (2013). Evaluation of gestational age estimate method on the calculation of preterm birth rates. Maternal and Child Health Journal, 18, 755-762. Horwich, R. H. (1974). Regressive periods in primate behavioral development with reference to other mammals. Primates, 15, 141-149. Jusczyk, P. W., & Krumhansl, C. L. (1993). Pitch and rhythmic patterns affecting infants' sensitivity to musical phrase structure. Journal of Experimental Psychology: Human Perception and Performance, 19(3), 627. Krumhansl, C. L., & Jusczyk, P. W. (1990). Infants’ perception of phrase structure in music. Psychological Science, 1(1), 70-73. Luger, C. (2018, January 8). Chelsey Luger: The cradleboard is making a comeback among tribal families. Yes! Magazine. Retrieved from https://indianz.com/News/2018/01/08/chelsey-luger-the-cradleboard-is-making.asp. Mizuno, T., et al. (1970). Maturation patterns of EEG basic waves of healthy infants under twelve-months of age. The Tohoku Journal of Experimental Medicine, 102(1), 91-98. Nez Perce Historical Park (n.d.). Cradleboard. Author. Retrieved from https://www.nps.gov/museum/exhibits/nepe/exb/dailylife/GenderRoles/cradleboards/NEPE57_Cradle-Board.html. Plooij, F. X. (2020). The phylogeny, ontogeny, causation and function of regression periods explained by reorganizations of the hierarchy of perceptual control systems. In The Interdisciplinary Handbook of Perceptual Control Theory (pp. 199-225). Academic Press. Sadurní, M., Pérez Burriel, M., & Plooij, F. X. (2010). The temporal relation between regression and transition periods in early infancy. The Spanish Journal of Psychology, 13(1), 112-126. Sadurní, M., & Rostan, C. (2003). Reflections on regression periods in the development of Catalan infants. In Regression Periods in Human Infancy (pp. 7-22). Psychology Press. Seehagen, S., et al. (2015). Timely sleep facilitates declarative memory consolidation in infants. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 112(5), 1625-1629. Tremblay, R. E. (2004). Decade of behavior distinguished lecture: Development of physical aggression during infancy. Infant Mental Health Journal, 25(5), 399-407. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Centers for Disease Control (n.d.). CDC’s Developmental Milestones. Retrieved from https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/actearly/milestones/index.html. Wapner, J. (2020, April 15). Are sleep regressions real? The New York Times. Retrieved from https://www.nytimes.com/2020/04/15/parenting/baby/sleep-regression.html.     [accordion] [accordion-item title="Click here to read the full transcript"] Emma  00:00 Emma. Hi, I'm Emma, and I'm listening from the UK. We all want our children to lead fulfilled lives, but we're surrounded by conflicting information and click bait headlines that leave us wondering what to do as parents. The Your Parenting Mojo podcast distills scientific research on parenting and child development into tools parents can actually use every day in their real lives with their real children. If you'd like to be notified when new episodes are released and get a free infographic on the 13 Reasons Your child isn't listening to you and what to do about each one, just head on over to yourparenting mojo.com/subscribe, and pretty soon you're going to get tired of hearing my voice. Read this intro, so come and record one yourself at your parenting mojo.com/recordtheintro.   Jen Lumanlan  00:45 Hello and welcome to the second of our two part episode on the Wonder weeks on the Your Parenting Mojo podcast. In part one of this mini series, we looked at the research that underpins the concept of regression periods, which is the idea that babies go through periods where they are more fussy than usual, because they're getting ready to make a developmental leap. In that episode, we saw that, while we might assume that given the global distribution of the Wonder weeks, book and app, that the information is based on studies of 1000s of babies from many different locations, which all came to similar conclusions, that actually they're based on one single study and three attempted replications with a total of about 80 children, all of European parents who were specifically selected because they were homogenous, meaning they were white and in two parent families and had secure incomes, and the mother planned to stay home with the baby for two years and had lots of family , if not all of those conditions were in place, then the whole thing kind of fell apart pretty fast. In this episode, I want to take a closer look at the developmental part of the leaps, rather than the fussiness. And the timing of the fussiness. I look back at the ploys earliest paper describing the leaps to see where they got the idea that leaps exist and what they mean. I wanted to understand whether, even though there might be disagreements about when the fussy periods are, we could still get some useful information out of knowing more about the developmental periods that the ploys say happen in between the fussy periods. So we're going to look at the evidence for the development that the ploys say happens in each of these periods, and also consider what, if anything, we should do with that information to our babies and ourselves. The ploys research mostly focuses on the fussy behavior that precedes the leaps, both because it's much easier to measure than the development itself, as well as because that's perhaps understandably what parents are worried about. They want to know that what they're going through is normal and that they aren't responsible for the difficult behavior they're seeing, but in the books, they also describe the development that's apparently happening in between the fussy periods. So let's see what evidence we can find that s their descriptions. The first thing that stands out to me in the LEAP section of the Wonder weeks website is how fuzzy the languages. Here's an example, conveniently drawn from leap one. Quote from week four, your baby enters leap one, the world of sensations. The first signals of your baby's leap will appear between weeks four to six after the due date. Learn everything about leap one in the Wonder weeks app after this leap, baby senses will undergo a sudden, rapid growth. Your baby will notice that something new and strange is happening and in their world, and they could get upset after taking leap one. Your baby will be open for new experiences, and we will notice that he or she is more sensitive. End quote, uh, what? What does this actually mean? It's like grasping at fog. There's no specific here that we can research ourselves, no indication that this sudden, rapid growth of baby senses that they're describing is based in research. How on earth are they measuring that babies are more open for new experiences and are also more sensitive? I went through all of the language describing the leaps and tried to find evidence ing each of them, I looked for that actually meant something and ran them through Google Scholar with variations of search related to infant development, and I didn't find very much. After going through leap two, the ploys say that, quote, your baby stops seeing the world as one big mishmash and starts to discover patterns. End, quote, I couldn't find any specific information on pattern recognition at this age, the one paper I did find observed that the development of pattern recognition, not just in of visual patterns, but also patterns in language and relationships, is ongoing throughout the early years. There's no mention of a specific leap around week 10, moving on to leap three. Around 11 weeks, you may see signs of the next leap approaching. Leap three. The world of smooth transitions, your baby is acquiring yet another new skill. Smooth transitions are things, whether tones, the brightness of light or moving objects that smoothly change into something else. Smooth transitions are so natural to adults that we barely notice them anymore. For your baby, these are the most complex things they can handle, and are therefore peak experiences. It was hard to find any evidence related to this. The paper I did find was written by two authors who are both psychologists, and one is also an ophthalmologist, who showed that visual functions of symmetry, COVID, linearity, motion, depth, acuity, these are all beginning to develop from birth until they show more adult like signatures at seven to eight months with no specific shift in the 11 to 13 week window. Leap four involves grabbing objects which we can actually find evidence to . This is a common enough milestone it shows up in developmental charts. Deploys also suggest that infants will start babbling in this period around four months, when developmental charts published by the Centers for Disease Control put this at closer to six months. So the ploys are right when they say in the Wonder weeks book that they mention their skills really are on the earliest possible end of when they might appear. I couldn't find any evidence at all for leap five on putting together the relationships between all the earlier leaps. Leap six on dividing the world into categories or groups, or LEAP seven on beginning to assemble and connect things rather than only deconstruct them. Leap eight is described in such weird language that I initially couldn't understand it. It involves the ability to observe and perform various programs. And when I put that together with the idea that the child will learn that an end goal can be achieved in different ways, I finally understood that they're talking about planning, they also pick up this idea in the LEAP nine description. Welcome to the world of principles. If your toddler has taken the leap, you will notice they are running all kinds of programs more smoothly, more naturally and more clearly. Around 64 weeks, your toddler will be a bit used to their new world and the journey of discovery can begin. Leaf nine is the leap of principles. Your toddler is more adept at handling the world of programs. As a result, they can not only imitate programs better, but also change them and create them by themselves. As a result, your little one will learn to think ahead, to reflect, to consider the consequences of their actions, to make plans and to balance them against each other. When we put these two leaps together, we can finally find solid evidence. Dr Allison gottnick and her colleagues did some work on this topic in the 1980s which is not cited in any of the Wonder weeks books which argues that the words there no and more represent baby's plans. Specifically, there encodes the success of a plan, no encodes the failure of a plan, and more encodes the repetition of a plan or a request for assistance. These words are also used to encode relationships between objects there encodes the location of objects, more encodes the similarity of objects, meaning this thing I just had and that thing over there, the same and I want more of it. And no is used to negate propositions around 18 months, children apply these words to their current concerns, right around the 64 weeks predicted by leap nine, although rather later than leap eight, where it's first discussed, the description of LEAP 10 is that you will notice that your toddler is a little more enterprising. They are behaving more maturely. They become very aware of themselves, gain a better understanding of time, begin to really enjoy music, and they treat things and toys differently. They want to do everything by themselves. And I'm thinking, Well, yes, it would be sort of surprising if, all things equal, your child wasn't behaving more maturely as time went on. A child is going to gain a better understanding of time as time goes on, as it were, from the early days in infancy, when they had no idea where you went, when you disappeared, to being able to predict when something will happen that comes on a daily basis to understanding what just a minute means, which, when we say is almost never just one minute, their understanding of time is continually evolving. I also have a video of my daughter, Karis, at about eight months, sitting on a mat and swaying in time to someone's guitar playing, clearly enjoying music. I'm not seeing anything unique in treating things and toys differently, which can happen at a variety of ages for a variety of different reasons. Holovitz brings us to how does the Wonder weeks help? Why do so many people follow this stuff I mentioned in the last episode on this topic that I ran a definitely unscientific poll in the free Your Parenting Mojo Facebook group to understand whether parents knew that they had to base the timing of the Wonder weeks on the child's gestational age when they responded to the survey. Some parents added comments about their experience with the program. Parent Anker said, we use the app, and it helped us tremendously. I have since learned there is much to criticize about the concept, but the perceived knowledge of what was happening for our baby made it easier for us to deal with the increased fussiness and difficult nights, and I really think that's at the heart of it. It's about seeing that there might be a reason why your child is being fussy and that you aren't eat. In other words, you aren't breaking your baby I think a big part of why we think...

The Science of Why Babies Cry More and What Parents Need to Know You may have noticed that your baby sometimes seems calm and relaxed…and then goes through a ‘fussy’ phase, where they seem to cry no matter what you do.  Do these fussy phases happen on a predictable schedule"] Denise  00:03 Denise, hi everyone. I am Denise, a longtime listener of your parenting Mojo. I love this podcast because it condenses all the scientific research on child development, compares it with anthropological studies, and puts it into context of how I can apply all of this to my daily parenting. Jen has a wealth of resources here, so if you're new to the podcast, I suggest you scroll through all her episodes. I'm sure you'll find one that will help you with whatever you're going through, or one that just piques your interest if you'd like to get new episodes in your inbox, along with a free infographic on 13 Reasons Your child isn't listening to you and what to do about each one. Sign up at your parenting mojo.com forward, slash, subscribe. Enjoy the show.   Jen Lumanlan  00:58 Hello and welcome to the your parenting Mojo podcast. Have you seen the Wonder weeks book, or did you the app? The book has apparently sold over 2 million copies, and the app has been ed over 4 million times. So, the approach has certainly struck a chord with parents. It seems to help that the book was developed by two PhDs, Dr Franz ploy and his wife, Hetty vanderai ploy, whom I will refer to together as the ploys. And I know that when I see PhD following the neighbor of an author, I perceive the author as having some credibility. They've now been ed by their daughter, Xavier plus ploy, as the CEO of the Wonder weeks. Apparently, Hetty actually died quite young in 2003 so when you hear me refer to Dr ploy. Later in the episode, is Dr Franz ploy. So, in this pair of episodes, I want to ask two overarching questions. In this first episode, we'll ask is the idea of Wonder weeks backed up by scientific research. And then in the episode, we'll ask, okay, based on what we learned here in the first episode, what if anything should we do with the ideas in the book to help us and our baby? So, if you're expecting or you have a child under the age of one, this episode is very much for you. Let's get started with our first question and look at the scientific research behind the Wonder. Weeks. So, Franz ploy studied biology and psychology. His wife, Hetty, studied educational psychology and anthropology, and together, they observed chimpanzees with Jane Goodall in Gombe National Park in Tanzania between 1971 and 1973.   Jen Lumanlan  02:30 Franz obtained his PhD in the behavioral development of chimpanzee babies, and Hetty got hers in mother baby interaction in chimpanzees. Because these dissertations were submitted in the early 1980s and fortunately, I couldn't find any copies online, possibly as part of their dissertations or in related work. The employees noticed that baby chimpanzees seemed to go through a series of what they termed regression periods, by which they meant a return to behavior like clinging to their mother and nursing often which they hadn't done so much only a week or so previously. The ploys hypothesized that each of these regression periods was followed by a developmental leap, and they wondered whether similar periods might exist among human babies. Several previous researchers had generally coalesced around the idea that there are four major behavioral transitions in human babies. And in the late 1980s the ploys began a research project to see if these were all of the transitions, or if they could find any more. And they decided to do this by identifying periods of regressive behavior in babies, because there was agreement in the literature that these regressive periods accompanied developmental transitions. They say that this literature finds that some sort of transitions do exist, and that these occur at two, 712, and 18 to 21 months. Unfortunately, the literature here mostly consists of books rather than peer reviewed papers. It's not an exaggeration to say you can pretty much publish anything you want in a book. That's why we have the peer review process in journals, so other people look at papers before they're published and check that they are grounded in previous literature. It isn't a perfect process by any stretch of the imagination, but at least you know someone who knows the subject has checked it out. The ploys cite 13 authors or sets of authors in of this claim, so I tried to track each of them down. Unfortunately, seven of them were book chapters or books themselves, and of course, these are books published in the 1970s and 80s, so I wasn't able to get a hold of them. One paper was a...

Chances are, if you're thinking of listening to this podcast episode, the 2024 election didn't go the way you hoped it would. A lot of people are feeling scared right now. I've heard some people wanting to fight, while others want to hunker down. I've had both of those feelings myself over the last few weeks. I don't usually wade into current events. My brain needs time to process and digest and preferably take in a lot of peer-reviewed research before I can decide what I think. I tried to do something different in this episode: I did read a lot, but I only took notes and then spoke mostly extemporaneously. And now you've seen the length of this episode you'll know why I don't do that very often. In this episode we will help you answer questions like: How do our values shape political views and actions? How can we make sense of the way that liberals and conservatives prioritize different values? Is it possible that liberals haven't been truly honest about how we live our values? What kinds of actions can we take to create true belonging so we don't have to grasp at power? How can we create true belonging in our families, to live our values honestly and completely? I hope you find this thought-provoking and useful as we all start to think about the ways we can move forward - and keep everyone safe. These are the graphs mentioned on this episode: Episode Mentioned: https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/ineverthoughtofitthatway/ https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/othering/ https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/equitableoutcomes/ Jump to highlights: 3:50 References to Dr. John Powell’s and Dr. Jonathan Haidt’s work, particularly The Righteous Mind, exploring political views. 4:45 Explanation of Haidt's five moral foundations and their impact on political perspectives. 7:00 Comparison of liberal and conservative priorities around moral foundations. 8:36 Discussion on care, fairness, loyalty, authority, and sanctity in policies. 10:46 Exploration of government intervention, wealth redistribution, immigration, and in-group loyalty. 13:06 Discussion on understanding and addressing the underlying needs of both groups. 17:46 Examples of Social Security and the GI Bill’s exclusionary practices. 19:16 Discussion of economic disparities and the call for fair, inclusive policies. 22:38 References to sociologist Arlie Hochschild’s work on the economic story behind Trump’s . 24:00 Examination of cultural and economic factors influencing Trump’s voter base. 28:50 Examples of identity threats leading to group cohesion. 32:30 Advocacy for listening to Trump voters to understand their perspectives. 36:39 Explanation of targeted universalism to create inclusive policies. 38:25 Emphasis on policies that promote belonging and equity for all groups. 47:03 Discussion on the need for a new vision of masculinity and racially integrated relationships. 52:04 Emphasis on men understanding and ing their partners’ needs. 1:00:53 Health benefits of belonging and the need to address exclusion. 1:03:27 Encouragement for civic engagement and understanding diverse perspectives to build an inclusive society. 1:28:07 Jen’s closing message on creating a world where everyone belongs.